Times are tough, my daughter just repossessed a paper airplane she made me, over a quarter I owed her from yesterday
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me: *excitedly* this is my first time taking a train
conductor: *sprinting* GIVE IT BACK
Me to my kid: Don’t play with the fruits, don’t use swear words
Also me: drops the apples held in my hands, exclaims “oh hell”
Me: you kill people for their blood? How do you sleep at night?
Vampire: I don’t.
Me: How do you look at yourself in the mirro-
Vampire: also no.
I had to work all night but I can’t wait until my girlfriend hears her new La Cucaracha car horn
on paper i am not against my neighbour playing piano all the time but it would be very nice if they played anything other than the pirates of the caribbean theme
WHAT SIGN IS SHE
Me: *driving*
My mom at every turn:
Hey small town pharmacy workers. I’m gonna need you to stop yelling about my meds as I am most certainly surrounded by former teachers, ex boyfriends, and/or relatives.
Hubs: * Hands me a broom* Make yourself useful
Me: Flies away
You know IT have given up when the error message reads ‘Something went wrong’.
Didn’t realize how much motherhood had changed me until I army crawled in & out of my sleeping baby’s room to get my 1/2 cup of cold coffee.
My boyfriend thinks it’s cute when I use the clap emoji but I’ve just been trying to tell him that I have an STD.
Stop asking me why I do things, the answer is always “I panicked”
13: Mom I love Spanish class and guess what!
Me: What?
13: I’m already fluent… un, deux, trois.
Me:
13: Oh wait, that’s French.
[first day as a pharmacist]
CUSTOMER: the antacid I took isn’t working.
ME: *leans in close* that’s cuz you’re not an ant..
I haven’t seen Lost, Dexter, or The Walking Dead. But, I HAVE been to Walmart.
“i’ll be back”
–arnold schwarzenegger getting into a 2-man horse costume
All this construction in my area makes me realize how many weapons are just randomly lying around.
Me: So, what do you do for a living?
Her: I flip houses.
Me: You must have incredible lower back strength.
Her: You’re an idiot.
I helped my neighbor out with something this morning and she said to me “I could marry you”. I couldn’t believe it. You do something nice for someone and they threaten to ruin your life in return.
Coworker: will I be seeing you at the office ugly sweater party?
Me: no, I’m not ugly
Gonna match donations for bail funds up to $100 today. Post your receipts in the comments and I’ll post my match.
Playing car dealership with my son, we rearranged the lot.
My wife asked me, “How do I look?”
I said, “With your eyes.”
I almost lost mine.
Watching cooking shows makes you realize how much forehead sweat is possibly in your food
Her: Hi hun.
Atilla: [under breath] I told you not to call me that in front of the men. It might stick.
Kid 1: Why’d u call me Aphrodite?
Me: After the Greek goddess of love
Kid 2: What about me?
Me: Well Alvin, ur named after a famous chipmunk
My 4yo daughter happily announced that it was “murder season” today, and it took a solid 10 minutes to realize she meant crape myrtle, not murder.
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bartender: what can I get u
me: a lot