Times I’ve gone out to the garbage since she threw away a fur pillow: 2
Times I’ve leapt back thinking an animal was in the garbage: 2
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[At the police station]
Cop: can you describe the incident with this *checks notes* this Jabberwocky? Start from the beginning
Me: Twas brillig, and the slithy toves Did gyre and gimble in the wabe; All mimsy were the borogoves, And the mome raths outgrabe
Cop: okay what
Got my telescope out, showing my son the beauty of the universe & making sure the girls in the college dorm are safe.
[Dinner with family of Owls]
ME: Want me to say grace?
DAD OWL: No. We don’t do that
M: I thought you were-
D.O: Pls don’t
M: birds of pray?
I threw my bra on stage at a concert once. It landed somewhere in the flute section.
I’m not flirting with disaster, we’re eloping.
My body is 61% water and 53% math skills.
The east coast is experiencing a “Snowpocalypse” or as Canada calls it “Monday”
I can’t stop thinking about how a tanning bed really turns you into the human version of a gas station hot dog.
Eggnostic is when you don’t know which came first, the chicken or the egg
Told my father a joke on our last call. He no longer wants me to visit in July.
My neighbor cut their tree down and now my house looks bald.
FRIEND: I’m tired of being poor. I’m gonna turn to a life of crime
ME: Dude I’m so in. We should steal fine art, or jewelry, or-
THE HAMBURGLAR: Guys, hear me out
I feel bad for all these athletes training for the Olympics in 2016 since we’re all gonna die in 2012
[lumberjack interview]
BOSS: I’m gonna “axe” you a few questions. Haha do you get it?
ME: Yeah I “saw” that coming
BOSS: Ooo welcome aboard!
Heath: I’m Heath
Heather: I’m Heather
Me, competitive: I’m Heathest
John: There are places…
Paul: I remember
George: All my life, though…
Ringo: How can antibiotics and pro-biotics both be good for you
My cat just dragged in a half eaten sausage, I have no idea where he got it from but it tastes expensive.
My grandmother is a shining example of how you can live until 90 years of age, sustained by nothing but spite and biscuits.
God: check this out
Angel: [peering down at Earth] wow it’s chaos down there, what did you do
God: I made parking cost $10
One time for my child’s birthday party, I accidentally sent the kids home with whistles in their goodie bags. I lost 47 friends that day.
Oh you’re an oscillating fan? Name three of their settings
What did this chicken ever do to them?? 😂😂😂
My wife doesn’t believe that auto correct changed “Yes dear” to “Hell no I’m not picking your mother up from the airport at 1am.”
7YO: Maybe I’ll behave tomorrow and then you’ll let me watch tv?
Me: Why are you saying “maybe?”
Her: I don’t know the future
where’s that tiktok video of that guy dancing in front of some cows and the cows are slowly backing away from him and then he hits one move really hard and they all run away
My girlfriend said she bought the lingerie for me, but then got upset when I put it on… I dont get women.
My dog is disabled so I have to hold him up when he pees.
Long story short, I’m getting really good at writing my name in the snow.
Just got a splinter from a 100 year-old bed frame and damn that MFer was really playing the long game
My late night activities includes getting drunk and slow dancing to the Bee Gees with my cat.
friend: what r u up to
me: eating 3 pounds of pasta
friend: what r u training for
me: eating 5