Times when the world seems different somehow:
– being in your elementary school as an adult
– being in a pool when it rains
– train stations at night
– when the ghost of the girl who died in your building tells you to get out or die
– walking through fresh snow by yourself
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I think at this point, a pterodactyl egg has better odds of getting laid than I do.
When customer service said the wait time was approximately 278 minutes, I wasn’t sure if they were trying to get me to hang up or they were going into RENT the Musical.
maybe my uterus is haunted, or maybe there’s an actual shark up there
Most of my exercise comes from getting up to let the cat in and out.
My mom: why are you being so defensive
Also my mom: here is a 12-point presentation on how you can do everything better
[reading of my fathers will]
Lawyer: and I bequeath to my son $100k as-
Me: heh, bequeath
Lawyer: long as that immature vomit fondler doesn’t laugh at the word ‘bequeath’
Me: he didn’t even have $100k, did he?
Lawyer: no, he just knew
[jumps in Uber]
ME: HURRY I’M LATE
UBER: [starts driving]
ME: PULL OVER HERE
[jumps out, pets dog]
ME: [jumps back in] GO GO GO
I love that earthquakes unite strangers online like nothing else. 100,000 people posting “did anyone feel that” and 100,000 other people posting “yeah”
Give me the nuclear codes. No one would expect me to have them
[BANK ROBBERY]
TELLER: The cops have you surrounded.
ROBBER *red dot zeroes in on his chest*: no no NO!
[He’s taken out by dozens of cats]
I’m at my neighbor’s house having a delicious dinner. Hope I finish before they get home.
*Forgets to stir pasta for 4 seconds*
The Pasta:
Scheduled an appointment with a trauma specialist to help me address some of the shit I’ve gone through. She’s quite expensive but I think if I don’t do this I’ll probably die so if you’re interested in buying a painting that would be awesome. Check the Insta link in my bio
my anti-aging skincare regime consists of a plan to eventually get bitten by a vampire
As a dad to two toddlers the majority of my diet is various berries I find on the ground. I’m basically a deer.
Airline just told my GF she has too much baggage & they’ve only known her a couple of minutes.
“I’m having a public meltdown!!” – A Snowman, maybe.
A horse walks into a bar. The batman asks “why the long…” “wait a minute, did you see that typo?” interrupts the horse.
9 out of 10 men prefer a girl with a big rack. The 10th prefers the other 9 men.
Farms in Mexico are measured in Hectors.
He said ‘send nudes’ and my first thought was ‘ugh, I just sat down.’
I like a bird with purpose. One walking quickly as though late to a business meeting. No time to trifle with you, ma’am.
[Describing guy who just mugged me to sketch artist]
“He was literally kermit the frog”
That fish is too small and that fish is too big but that fish is justtttt right
-Goldilocks on Tinder
The odds of being murdered by a chicken are low, but never zero.
I hate it when I’m eavesdropping and people aren’t talking loud enough.
Cavemen who roamed the earth were Meander-thals.
The best way to remember your wife’s birthday is to forget it once.
“my god, that man is trying to snatch her purse!”
i’ll be RIGHT back
*ducks into phone booth**pops head out 5 mins later*
is he gone yet
Anyone want a free car? Angry bee inside but otherwise, perfect.