TIMMY: What’s that, girl?
LASSIE (echoing from the bottom of a well): *bark bark bark*
TIMMY: You say you’re aware of the irony of the situation?
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Sometimes even letting your kids watch age-appropriate shows is a big mistake. Showed my kids The Flintstones, and my youngest asked what it was like living with a dinosaur. My 5-year-old pointed at the Flintmobile and said, “is that why your feet look like that?”
[restaurant]
can I get 8 single slices of pepperoni pizza please?
-how bout just one whole pizza instead?
oh no I can’t eat a whole pizza
I see you like sex.
*apparently not an acceptable thing to say to a pregnant woman.
No matter what country you’re from, how you identify yourself or what you believe in, you’ve tried to move objects with your mind before.
You catch more bees with honey, but I don’t want any bees. Seriously, if I could have all the bees, I’d want exactly zero bees.
White Walkers need coffee too #WinterIsHere
I feel like trying new things in bed. Like getting up for instance.
Funny how I used to see human features in things like electrical sockets, or clouds, or my ex.
If the whole world smoked a joint at the same time, There would be world peace for at least two hours. Followed by a global food shortage..
After 21 years of marriage I thought it would be funny on National Joke Day to tell my wife I wanted to have more kids. She said “ME TOO!”
…Now what do I do?
Heading to therapy. Let’s all cross our fingers that some good therapist jokes come out of this.
Interviewer: “Are you proficient with Microsoft Office?”
Interviewee: “Word.”
{Heaven}
ME: Hey, why didn’t you answer my prayers?
GOD: I did. Every time you said Goddamnit I damned it.
ME: Oh, no, that’s just—it’s like a saying.
GOD: Why would you even…I damned so much stuff!
[seaside wedding]
We are gathered here today to celebrate the-
[bride picked up by giant seagull]
-completion of the ritual. HAIL GULLTHRAX
They don’t hire anyone at IKEA. People get lost there for a few years and eventually know where everything is. It’s Restockholm syndrome.
Some people come into your life for a reason.
Like for target practice.
You can’t make me breathe heavy.
You aren’t a flight of stairs.
I thought 2020 was just going to be a bunch of bad eyesight jokes but no it’s much worse
I post ONE gym selfie and everyone’s like “What’s he doing?” and “Where are the weights?” and “Is that a dozen donuts?”
Mom: Why do you have a lighter? Do you smoke?!?
Me: It’s for arson, I swear!
Mom: It’d better be!
Still trying to figure out the whole speed/tilt ratio for drinking out of a cup.
I’m the most spontaneous person in the world when it comes to making a decision to stay at home.
10: Mom, I need to tell you a secret. Dad thought he was eating white chocolate, but it was a piece of your vanilla scented candle and he liked it. Don’t tell anyone, ok?
Me: Oh, don’t worry…
Day 30 on the desert island. Out of food. There’s no other option, I’m going to have to talk to the other survivors
Millennials are so spoilt with their smartphones & tablets. All we had at their age was the ability to buy property in Central London.
Thoroughly enjoyed my walk along a nudist beach this morning.
Don’t put all your eggs in one sandwich.
-Knock Knock!
-Who is it?
-The love of your life.
– 🙂 Really?
-Hahahaha no, it’s the pizza you ordered.
Heavens to Betsy
Betsy to Heavens
Heavens BACK to Betsy
Betsy-GOOOOOAAAALLLLLLLL
Everyone writes, “why I’m leaving New York,” but no one writes, “how it’s going in New Jersey” 🧐