TIN MAN: I want a heart
COWARDLY LION: And I want courage
ZOMBIE: Braaaaains
ACTOR PLAYING COWARDLY LION: W-wait. Where the hell’d Ray go?
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[shows up 2 hours late for interview]
Sorry I was trying to get out of a beanbag chair.
Went to work without a drop of makeup on… walked by a mirror and said good morning thinking that was someone else.
When children vomit, sometimes it sounds like they’re saying the names of Ikea furniture.
Me: That is a dank whale
Date: That’s a killer whale
Me: lmao no one says killer anymore, say sick or fierce
Toddlers be like, we can do this the hard way or the harder way.
Wearing my bathing suit as underwear in case a random pool party breaks out sounds way better than too lazy to do laundry.
[following girl off elevator] you cant hate snakes and then say u love dragons, because theyre actually extremely similar. in a lot of mytho
My rapper alter ego is “lil green onion” because I’m a rapscallion
“I’m quite content on this side of the street, thank you.”
— No squirrel ever.
Tearfully waving out the train window as my girlfriend runs alongside
*45 minutes later*
She’s still keeping pace. It’s inhuman. Everyone on the train is screaming. I’m begging her to stop but she can’t hear me. Her eyes are pure white. Police helicopters circle overhead
If I ever die while lifting at the gym, add more weights before calling 911.
As my friend confessed, “My teenage daughter never even talks to me,” I struggled to conceal my jealousy.
boomer parents will be text “call me” with the same urgency of a family member in the hospital or a question about what that one dessert was called that they had with you at a restaurant at the shore 3 years ago
You don’t see many dog librarians. Probably because of the barking.
*works out for 75 mins
*eats an entire batch of cookie dough
Fighting on twitter be like 🤣
Hey lady I’m no dummy…those are letters not numbers.
-first day of algebra class
My teenage son says that fanny packs are back in style at his high school. I HAVE BEEN WAITING FOR THIS MOMENT MY ENTIRE LIFE!
Teaching your kids to question everything is important. Until you’re sitting there banging your head on the table.
[before quarantine]
me: “gross! this cereal has gone stale”
[5 weeks in quarantine]
me: “you found cereal?! ill get the raccoon milk!”
date: probably losing a loved one. what about you, what’s your biggest fear?
me: driving into a wall that someone has painted to look like a tunnel
My husband at 3 AM: What’s that noise? What’s that noise? What’s THAT noise? I can’t sleep.
My husband when I’m talking to him, in his ear, with a megaphone: What? Sorry, I didn’t hear you.
My mom worries about me too much. We were having a phone conversation till she dropped her phone. She picks it up and asks “are you OK?”
(during sex)
Don’t move! Don’t move! A pickle and the second of my two all-beef patties is stuck in your hair.
Found an ant in my bathroom today, which is weird because I haven’t had a picnic in there for like 3 months.
Asked my son if he wanted to watch Netflix and he said he’d already seen it
Me: “This Chardonnay is so nice, I can really taste the oaky undertones”
“Sir those are just chunks of cork from opening it with your keys”
My kid didn’t like how his stuffed animal was behaving, so he renamed him Not-Listening-Ostrich, and I’m just over here wondering how to update some birth certificates
Why is Twitter so quiet on Sundays?
No way you’re all at church.
where’s Godzilla when we need him