A romantic thing you can do for your wife is try to get a raccoon to come in your house
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I never had children but I still get to watch my dogs find clever ways to avoid eating broccoli.
my kid: i hope i can have school at home forever
me:
“Why didn’t any of you go back and kill Hitler?”
TIME TRAVELER: We prioritized stopping Zortho the Endless Scourge in 1935.
“Who?”
TT: Bingo
So apparently if your iPhone tries to electrocute you, Apple support doesn’t know what to do except say “oh that’s a problem” and pass you up the support chain until you reach the person who feels comfortable putting you on hold for a year. It’s fine. I have all night. 🤯
Whoa, just saw two FedEx guys pass each other without waving. Wonder what’s going on there.
“Can you explain this gap in your resume” yeah man TV got like really good for a few years
I’m sexually attracted to the glass sections of a house.
French windows?
No but I’ve snogged patio doors.
Gordon Ramsay walks into my basement. YOU CALL THIS METH? I WOULDN’T LET MY DOG SMOKE THIS. *smashes beakers* YOU DONKEY *massive explosion*
[in the ambulance]
Paramedic: what’s your blood type?
Me: whatever. I’m not fussy
7 wants to pull all her hair out and plant miniature trees instead
Boss: who wants to practice public speaking?
Me: can I go?
Boss: of course.
Me: [goes home]
My dog turning immediately around at the door when he sees the rain like eight-year-old me when I saw my first outhouse at daycamp. No thank you I’m good.
I’m going to start eating healthy again so I need to eat this half of a leftover cake to get it out of the house.
Me: *gets on scale*
5yo: Whoa! That’s a lot of points!
[NASCAR Press Conference]
REPORTER: What’s your race strategy?
DRIVER: Fast circles
Ladies, if he:
– doesn’t introduce you to his parents
– never calls you back
– has four feet
– smells like potato chips
– could easily be mistaken for a loaf of breadthat’s my pug, you’re dating my pug
“I’ve invented the toaster”
SADISTIC CEO: What number toasts it perfectly?
“2”
SC: ok make it *cries with laughter* make it go up to 8
One man. One dream. One crazy summer. Three wizards. Fourteen cobras. Ten thousand condoms. I dunno, I’m just listing things.
Don’t pretend like your cat wouldn’t 100% microwave fish if they had half a chance.
If I got kidnapped I’d continuously sing Pitbull songs until they kill me, I’d die but at least they’d suffer too.
what if in airbud they put the dog in and they didnt win that coach would feel stupid
[Visiting a Cybercafe for the first time]
Me: one internet please
There is a famous person next to me at this coffee shop. You can tell he’s waiting for me to say something. Not gonna happen. Not gonna give him the time of day. Just going to sit here and continue making machine gun noises with my mouth
*from his room
8: Hey, nothing went terribly wrong!
8’s friend: No, nothing happened!
8’s other friend: There’s just a little blood!
Want to change your name without any legal hassles? Just come up with a new pronunciation, the government isn’t even keeping track of that. Congratulations Brenda, you’re Breenday now and no one can stop you
I just wish I had someone who wanted to touch me as much as my shower curtain does.
ME: I hate him with 1/16th of the fibers of my being
GUY: Not every fiber?
ME: I hate alot of people. I’m not wasting all my fibers on 1 guy
“Until Death Do Us Part” was put into marriage vows when the life expectancy was 35.
millipede mobster [raising guns]: SAY HELLO TO MY LITTLE FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND
20’s: You can eat whatever you want.
30’s: Just two slices of pizza. You’re watching your weight.
40’s: You gained four pounds watching an Olive Garden commercial.