Tinder, but for nearby people that have a printer you can use.
You Might Also Like
Marie Kondo: Does this item spark joy?
Daughter: YES!
Marie Kondo: Oookay… um, this paper cup from 3 weeks ago?
Daughter: Yes! It’s my favorite!
Marie Kondo: *holding up a broken crayon* Does this item spark joy?
Daughter: Yes!
Marie Kondo: *in tears* This popped balloon?
Really, iTunes? You need to update my calculator app? Have there been changes to basic math that I’m unaware of?
HI MOM. YOU’RE GONNA BE SO PROUD. I JUST WON AN ARGUMENT ON THE INTERNET. Sorry caps lock was still on from the argument. But I won.
“rejection is god’s protection” ok but from what? Happiness?!?
I never scrape my back window so when I back out of parking spots I let Jesus decide if I’m gonna kill anyone
If you’re not part of the solution, I might need to add more solvent.
When you get hired your job should have to provide first and last months rent too, just to prove they can
I’m good at turning a bad situation into a terrible one
January 2020: New year, new me.
May 2020: *primal scream*
Unless the girl is hot, when she asks how I want my hair cut, I’ll say “In silence”
Mickey Mouse’s pants out of context look like something that would try to kill Mario.
ME: You wouldn’t believe these sparklers I got!
SPOUSE: That’s dynamite!
ME: *waiving around the lit fuse* I know! It’s really cool!
SPOUSE: *already running*
I get Grumpy when I run out of Dopey.
Wife: I’m going to grab some dinner, you want anything?
Me: No thanks, I’m stuffed.
Wife: Ok, I’m going to Taco…
Me: I’ll have 9 tacos.
Bros before Ohioes
my toddler is screaming because I’m wearing earplugs because my toddler is screaming
I need a fifth of Wild Turkey, some meth, three sticks of dynamite and a Bible. I’ll explain later.
Apparently people mistook my innocent “what street did you grow up on” tweet for data mining.
Which is hysterical in a completely non-Russian bot fabricated to crack your Pinterest password & steal your Dog Sweater Vision Board ideas kind of way.
(genuine human laughter)
Walking up to guys with girls with them and saying “you never called! Our son is 5 now” then walk away….always brightens my day
when i go to an improv show and they ask for a suggestion i always scream out “don’t do any improv”
doctor: push through the pain, I can see the head, you can do it!
me: [struggling to pull on my turtleneck sweater] I can taste air
me: I’m working on a romcom about mansplaining
agent: what’s it called
me: Actually Love
(before sex)
*sings national anthem
When the person representing himself in court tries to make the Judge in the case take the witness stand because “only God can judge,” that’s the moment all the hassle of law school is totally worth it.
If Dracula were on Grindr, he would be looking for a guy with a blood sausage.
The family that dives into an active volcano together stays together.
“HOW” – dyslexic owl
Butterfly courtship ritual:
Male: *does mating dance*
Lady: Fluttery will get you nowhere
Me: Do you have any wrongdog?
“Ugh fine what’s wrongdog”
Me: thank you so much for asking I’m doing terrible
Maybe I’ll make you laugh, maybe I’ll sacrifice you to the ancient gods. You don’t know.