Tinder but it matches people that don’t know what they want for dinner with people who will decide what they get for dinner.
You Might Also Like
It’s romantic to walk someone home, but turns out they like it even better if they actually know you.
I had no idea we were millionaires until I just saw my husband casually rip off 3 or 4 paper towels at once.
Saw Paul Rudd trending and thought oh god no has he aged very slightly
I think it’s safe to take the fax numbers off our business cards, now, everybody.
[travels back in time to warn 12 year old me about playing video games too much] you become fat and lazy and-whoa Mortal Kombat 2 scoot over
When Corner House says something righteous and you just think
Wife [interrogating]: How long have we been married dear?
Me: How dare you try and sneak maths into this.
6am: makes coffee
6:20am: grabs cup
6:21am: plugs in coffee maker
When this multivitamin kicks in I’m going to do so much success.
people should stop trying to drive the biggest cars and start trying to drive the goofiest shaped cars. i want to drive a car in the shape of a pizza slice
You’re invited to my Oscar party! The theme is movie star cuisine which means there won’t be any food.
Stop asking yourself if something is a good idea and start asking yourself if you can get away with it.
Not to brag but I just completed my resolution from 1987.
*correctly programs VCR*
[i rear-end a guy and he steps out with a baseball bat]
ME: i’m sor-
HIM: *tosses me a glove* wanna play ball until the tow truck arrives?
(Seductively stripping out of clothes)
Gynecologist: Please stop that.
Hurt my back in a pretty bad helicopter accident.
At my age, I really need to stretch before trying to move my hips like that.
although you definitely do get used to it after a while, the most annoying thing about being 5’11 is that when you’re out in public, you constantly overhear people saying “holy shit, that’s the tallest person i’ve ever seen in my life”
today my sister said “I thought of you because I saw the stupidest tweet. just the dumbest freaking tweet” this went on for ten minutes
FedEx would be a cool name for a restaurant for divorced couples
This Amber Alert has gone off 4 times today.
I bet the people with hidden prison phones are shitting themselves right about now. 😬
Therapist: How does that make you feel?
Me: Like I want to stab someone.
Therapist: That’s an action, lets focus on a feeling word.
Me: Like if I don’t get to stab someone I will be sad.
[coming out of my bunker after the apocalypse happened]
friend: holly shit. everything is gone
me: i’m gonna try out for the nba
friend: what
me: i think i can make it now. do u think they’re still doin it
[Infomercial for Parachutes]
“Has this ever happened to you?” *showing footage of a man getting thrown off a building, screaming*
My friend: Have you ever tripped on mushrooms?
Me: Yeah I’m very clumsy
Me: Hi, what’s a good school binder for my 10yo girl here?
Clerk: Trapper Keeper?
Me: Haha, no, she’s my own daughter.
1. OMG will this ever end?
2. OMG will this ever end?
3. OMG will this ever end?-top 3 things on my mind when I’m in a a conversation
this is literally a CIA plant
“Ah yes, well, the laws of quantum mechanics” is what I’m going to start saying, very pretentiously, when someone says something I don’t understand.
[The Twitter Breakdown of 2015]
Angry mobs storm the streets, forcing clever wordplay down the throats of unsuspecting, innocent bystanders
Broke out some old threads to wear to work today and was feeling pretty cool until my 12 year old daughter saw me and said, “What is that shirt? You look like the 90s,” then I knew I nailed it.