Tinder date: Do you have any religious beliefs?
Me: *Motions vaguely in the direction of the refrigerator*
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Wait for it! 🤣👏😝
Don’t over-share.
Don’t over-share.
Don’t over-share.
Don’t over-share.
Don’t over-share.HI I’M A NERVOUS POOPER.
… Nailed it!
Pretty sure airport food was priced by children just learning about numbers.
“Ok Brian, how much should this apple cost?” SIXTY TWO DOLLARS!
Me: *crying* B-but… but you said…
Waiter: *sigh* “Unlimited” breadsticks, I know ma’am, but we’re closing now & you have to go
[first day as Uber driver]
ME: *weaving through traffic*
PASSENGER: *gripping seat* can you maybe finish the basket later?
Dominicans be naughty on purpose so they can get coal from Santa for their hookahs
I will never refer to ‘drunk me’ or ‘sober me’ because that implies the second one exists.
dog: *snickers*
priest: *sighs*
I asked my kid what kind of animal he’d be, and he said he’d be a bird so he could fly to the North Pole, kill Santa, take over, and make all the elves his slaves. They’re just precious at 8.
I just want a time machine so I can show up at the Salem witch trials with an iPad.
It’s me against the world! That’s how gravity works
We’ve seen a guy in a hockey mask with a machete, we’ve seen a dude put knives on his glove, but how is there no horror movie about a tiny flying baby with a bow and arrow, that shit sounds terrifying.
Thinking of leaving a fake bloody arm inside the blood pressure machine at this CVS pharmacy.
most awkward objects to handle:
1. mattress
2. big sack of onions
3. dead guy rolled in a carpet
“Honey,can u make the dinner reservations for 3 instead of 2 tonight? Debby’s coming”
“We’re not bring ur new chainsaw-”
“HER NAME’S DEBBY”
[guy about to invent monopoly]
*looking at friends* i have too many of these
“I love Justin Bieber” well I love McDonalds but you dont see me making an account pretending to be a chicken nugget, do you?
Job interview…
Interviewer “On your CV, it says that you are a man of mystery.”
“That’s correct.”
“Would you like to elaborate?”
“No.”
So much gross product placement in THE SHINING. It’s like, fine, I’ll buy an axe.
Her: Put your finger on it!
Me: Like this?
Her: Oh yeah, I can finish now!
-Making the perfect bow
I think we see so many men with long beards nowadays because nobody can afford those Gillette replacement blades.
Stop comparing yourself to high achieving go-getters, it isn’t good for your self esteem or your mental health and only helps you stand in your own way
Instead, find a complete loser to compare yourself to and then cross your fingers they don’t win the lottery
“Hello, cops? A man in an apron attacked my hair with scissors!”
“LOL sir, that was a barber.”
“He was black.”
“We’re sending a battleship.”
If snails are so slow, why don’t we ever see them coming? It’s just BAM, there’s a snail.
Life is like having a brazilian wax. The more times you have the carpet ripped out from under you, the less painful it gets.
If my dog had a catchphrase it would be, “I came as soon as I heard! What do you need me to eat??”
earthquakes are just the planet’s way of trying to shake us off and I honestly can’t find fault in that
Spot cleaning is my favorite because I clean like two spots in my house and then I’m done.
I once broke up with a girl for doing a May the 4th be with you joke. I did it the next day though, and called it revenge of the fifth.
Trader Joe’s was destined for greatness…
Unlike his twin brother Sloppy Joe who was destined to work in a cafeteria for minimum wage.