[Tinder guy takes off his glasses for the date]
Lois Lane: wtf you look nothing like your profile pic
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My special skill is making detailed shopping lists and leaving them at home when I go to the store.
ME: My favorite was always Raphael, but I liked Donatello a lot too
DATE: Aww so you were a big fan as a kid?
ME *pulling my credit card from my Ninja Turtles wallet*: Hmm?
“Why you watching this shit?”
Whenever I worry if I’m being a good mom or not I remind myself that someone out there named their kid Abcde so the bar is like, really low
Just played that Facebook game where an app tells you what state you’re best suited to be in and I was disappointed it didn’t say unconscious.
Omg like wtf
-me, praying
Didn’t find out until I got to work that these exposed-shoulder tops are intended for women.
commenting “so brave” on every couple photo on valentine’s day, as a treat
One-upping the deceased by showing up to the funeral in my own coffin.
When you have a mouse in the house you suspiciously check everything for nibbles before you eat it.
Toddler in the house = same.
“This is the coolest underwater sci-fi movie ever.”
-me, drunk, watching the pool vac
<—– gave a man a heart attack by admitting he was right
IN JOB INTERVIEW
EMPLOYER: what do you think you’d bring to our company?
ME: i’m straight up goated. i’m efficiencymaxxing. i’m taskpilled. i’m in my fucking bag
EMPLOYER: ok i think we’ve heard enough
Twitter is like Words With Sociopaths.
My daughter: Can we stop for ice cream, and then not get any for John?
Me: Stop being awful to your brother. Someday you might need a kidney.
Her: Mom, you know how much water I drink. I will never need that.
Job interview…
H- “So how would you describe yourself?”
Me- “Verbally but just incase I prepared a dance”..
Marriage is about understanding what irritates your spouse and using it strategically.
Parenting tip: From day one never cut a crust off a sandwich; your kids won’t know there’s any other way. Stay lazy, my friends.
Me: Could we please have a cushion of time between Halloween and when the Christmas music starts playing?
All of retail: No.
20’s me: heartburn, I don’t believe it exists
30’s: ope, I think that might have been heartburn
40’s: orange juice is a drink for young people
You are the toothpaste to my orange juice.
PSA: Calories don’t count today because February 29 doesn’t really exist.
My alter ego is Wander Woman because my superpower is forgetting why I walk into rooms.
I knock on the refrigerator door before opening it, just in case there’s a salad dressing in there.
[waiting for elevator]
Coworker: Hey, how’s it go-
Me: I’ll take the stairs.
Giraffes only sleep 2 hours a day.
If reincarnation is real, fingers crossed that I don’t come back as a giraffe.
@funTweeters I think animal testing is a terrible idea; they get all nervous and give the wrong answers
WIFE: can you fold the clothes in the dryer?
ME: *climbing in* I can try
The US Defense budget is 40x bigger than NASA’s. It’s surprising we actually went to the moon instead of blowing it up.