My new toaster is making me agree to an updated user agreement before giving me my bread back.
You Might Also Like
You’re not allowed to donate blood if you’ve listened to Kid Rock in the last 6 months.
ALIEN: You Earthlings have many technological advances. How do you predict the weather?
ME: We pull a rodent out of a box.
[first day as a juror] *applying lipstick* which way is the hung jury
[first day as a surgeon]
me: do you have any questions?
patient: how often do people die during this surgery?
me: just once
How’d you come up with the idea?
Inventor of pac man: I took a bunch of pills one night and ate a ghost. I thought “now here’s something”
Money doesn’t grow on trees sounds like something rich people would say so you don’t go looking for their money trees
Some guy in a strange costume walked up my front steps but when I went to give him some candy he just gave me some mail
God: you’re an amphibian.
Frog: what does that mean?
God: it means you can breathe on land and in the water.
Frog: omg you mean I’m a mermaid?
God: no that’s not what I-
Frog: [whispers] I’m the littlest mermaid.
The husband has a man cold so I asked if he wanted me to plant a memory garden.
If a peanut butter cookie between two chocolate chip cookies is considered a sandwich, then I may have had a sandwich or two for lunch.
And I was never asked to make anything for the school bake sale again
I’m suppose to give my wife an injection today but she’s worried cuz she’s seen my many struggles with Capri Sun straws.
If there’s a Supreme Court, there must be a Pepperoni Court and a Cheese Court.
kid: *reading ouija board* she says you should vacuum
mom: who?
kid: grandma. she’s coming back
mom: honey grandma died years ago
[urn falls off mantle]
mom: get the—
kid: —vacuum?
Why are they called “nuns” when chickmonks was sitting right there?
Me: *stands on one leg*
My flamenco teacher: No.
HEY TWITTER IF I WANTED 10,000 CHARACTERS THAT I WASN’T INTERESTED IN I WOULD START WATCHING GAME OF THRONES
You can’t hurt me. You’re not my mouth full of ice water after chewing mint gum
is Kristen Stewart a Vulcan
Imagine a hunter in a deer stand but instead of a gun he has a long stick he pokes the deer with and they look around like “ok who did that”
Breakfast for Stoners:
STEPHEN KING WRITING ABOUT LIVING IN NEW ENGLAND: The old man who ran the town dump communed with darkness. He kept a Hand of Glory in a 1982 Boston Bruins mug. Crows and bats were his to command.
ME AFTER MOVING TO NEW ENGLAND: Jesus, I used to think Stephen King made shit up.
*first year living alone*
Me: *runs out of bedroom on Christmas Day to find no presents* what
The rats outside my apartment building are getting very bold. One of them just asked me for my number.
Sleeping is my drug, my bed is my dealer and my alarm is the police.🙃
My niece just said “Birds live in a birdhouse & we live in a people house!” Cute, huh? Wrong; my niece is 26 & on trial for manslaughter.
just weaponized “with all due respect” at my condo board. and now we wait.
Cutting Crew: I just died in your arms tonight. Must’ve been something you said…
Me: *closing book of spells* Oh shit! Oh shit! Oh shit!
Me: I pull a sword from my forehead
Nerd: Not realistic
M: so dungeons and dragons are real?
N: …
M: so, I pull a sword from my forehead
establish dominance at a funeral by crying first