Tinder isn’t a babysitting app. Apologies to Crystal and Janine for the misunderstanding.
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Kylo Ren: We must find Luke Skywalker
General Hux: Why? He won’t fight & you don’t need training.
Kylo: He might have cool Vader souvenirs
So it turns out we were both wrong, but the important thing to remember is you were more wrong.
if i had a girlfriend i would brush the pop tart crumbs off of my bed so she could lay with me
When you say married… Do you mean married married… or just married?
I like to think I’m in charge but then one sad look from my child finds me gently disposing of a dead yard mouse in a nice bag on a carefully arranged bed of leaves
RESUME HACK: Want to avoid the unpleasantries of listing your criminal record? Turn that weakness into a strength with “I’m a person of strong convictions.”
*pours a bucket of water into the ocean*
You’re free now
Kid: I want pancakes.
Dad: Me too. Go wake up your mom.
Kid: Nice try. Do I look stupid to you?
When people tell me they trust a product because ‘It’s natural.’, I like to remind them that arsenic is also natural.
A fun thing to do is sit on the couch with black buttons over your eyes while your kids watch Coraline, then wait for them to notice.
Underwear isn’t protecting you from your pants. It’s protecting your pants from YOU! Another conspiracy uncovered.
If you don’t have at least 1 hot neighbor then the hot neighbor is you
BREAKING: Epstein autopsy reveals his teeth had become piano keys, consistent with death by piano drop
If a mouse family ever stole my iPhone and used it as a flat screen TV then I’m okay with it as long as they’re happy.
I don’t care what anyone says, I still think Malaria is a beautiful name for a little girl
Missed my workout yesterday which makes it four years in a row
I didn’t use toothpaste when I was young and naive, because I didn’t want my teeth sticking together. As a much wiser adult, I still don’t want my teeth sticking together.
“Wash your hair. Wash your body.” Some of my best ideas come to me in the shower
Day 8 at home and my dog is looking at me like, “See? This is why I chew the furniture.”
[pulled over]
COP: Did you know you were speeding?
ME: I didn’t even know I was driving
COP: Out
I’m like the Pied Piper, but instead of a flute it’s a little bottle of maple syrup and rather than rats it’s all the lovely Canadians I’m enticing into my ‘candy van’.
Dad: listen to me son: don’t ever let anyone tell you what to do
Son: okay
Dad: *slams fist* WHAT DID I JUST SAY
Aries: You will be visited by three ghosts this Christmas. They’re all married, so don’t even ask.
We have tornado weather coming towards us right now and my kids are being so annoying I think I’m gonna go stand outside.
My daughter went back to college today and I texted her that I missed her so much and she texted back 2.5 hours later, “Yes.” Then, “Sorry, that wasn’t for you.”
I WAS IN LABOR FOR 14 HOURS
I just saw a man get hit by a car…he got hit & fell down & then got up & chased the car down the block!!!! His legs must be strong as shit
Crocodile towels ☺ @funTweeters @fun_tweets
Freddie Mercury: I’m just a poor boy, nobody loves me
Chorus of Dads: HI JUST A POOR BOY, I’M DAD! SPARE HIM HIS LIFE FROM THIS MONSTROSITY
[runs thru the funeral chasing a bagpipe player]
“Stop hurting that octopus!”