TINDER SHOULD SHOW YOU WHAT AGE RANGE UR MATCHES ARE OPEN TO WHAT IF I MATCH WITH A GROWN MAN WHO HAS HIS PREFERENCES DOWN TO 18 HOLY SHIT NO BUENO
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I’m invited to a wedding this weekend.
I have two days to come up with a disease or cut off a finger.
Do you think Jesus described his hair color as light blonde or summer wheat?
When a person says a book is so good they can’t put it down, but yet, are not holding that book.
This is why I have trust issues.
Welcome to your fifties, you take the elevator instead of the stairs now and you still pull a muscle.
What base is it when he says, “Stop calling me. We broke up three years ago”?
5 things I hate:
-complainers
-list makers
-hypocrites
-people who don’t finish what they start
The Bible is so unrealistic, Noah’s wife would have never allowed two spiders on that boat.
Agreed to an “interview” by my 5y/o and her first question was, “What do you want for dinner and why is it tater tots?” and I feel like this is a hit job.
[Invention of the universal remote]
“This changes everything.”
My dog pisses on every election sign regardless of political party so I have no idea who he is voting for.
My unsolicited parenting advice? Clip your kids toe nails with your mouth closed. You’re welcome.
I just feel like you shouldn’t be using a selfie stick unless you’re a T-Rex.
WAITER: Your meal comes with three sides.
ME (imagining a delicious triangle): Excellent.
WebMD on April Fools: You’re fine
[bedtime]
brain: hey remember that lost episode where the couple gets paralyzed DO THOSE SPIDERS LIVE NEAR US
me: SLEEP
brain: NO, GOOGLE IT
When people ask “what do you do” I try to seem normal by saying things like “Walk with my feet. Use water. See things that are there.”
Shouldn’t Captain Crunch be Colonel Crunch by now? Apparently cereal mascot is a dead end job.
“I got in a fight at Michaels over glitter glue once, so you should probably step aside.”
-Me, to a guy buying the last of my favorite wine
Me: Can you call my phone so I can find it?
Teen: UUGGHH. Can’t I just text you?
Narrator: She found her phone. After 387 text messages.
interviewer: questions about the job?
me: how can I get suspended with pay
Sex so mediocre, she makes you a blandwich…
If you’re bringing an acoustic guitar camping it will be used as firewood.
Everyone goes through a phase where they think they can speak Italian
friend: man, I honestly don’t believe she’d cheat on me
me: look, Gary, you can’t keep burying your head in the sand about this
ostrich at next table: OMG Devon, he did NOT just say what I think he said
Everyone is unique.
Except you.
You are not unique.
You are the only not unique person in human history.
google logo keeps changing its appearance because it killed a man in Tampa in 1999 and has to stay ahead of the law
My wife pissed me off in my dream. When I woke up and told her about it she said it was probably something I started so I ended up apologizing and bought her flowers.
This Amber Alert has gone off 4 times today.
I bet the people with hidden prison phones are shitting themselves right about now. 😬
I treat the Steam store like the fridge.
I keep opening it to look even though I know there’s nothing in there I want.
Making fun of someone’s age is like mocking them for getting hit by a train because you’re standing a little further down the tracks.