TINDER SHOULD SHOW YOU WHAT AGE RANGE UR MATCHES ARE OPEN TO WHAT IF I MATCH WITH A GROWN MAN WHO HAS HIS PREFERENCES DOWN TO 18 HOLY SHIT NO BUENO
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On one hand, eating meat is bad for your body, bad for animals and bad for the earth. On the other hand, bacon.
What the fire inspector sees when he opens my office closet.
I need someone to pretend they’re coming round, so I will burst into life and actually clean this stupid house.
Covid like
Good news: Your wit is really mind-blowing
Bad news: It’s not my mind that I want blown
I like mascarpone cheese. It sounds like the sort of cheese that would have ruled organised crime in 1920’s Chicago with an iron fist.
Yoou can lead a horse to water but you need a seahorse to continue your journey
How much wood would Steve Winwood win if Steve Winwood could win wood?
Why did they call it K-pop and not Seoul music?
There is no such thing as a hamburger. There are only sad cheeseburgers who are missing their cheese.
ME: The irony is it’d be harder to identify the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles if they didn’t wear masks
MAN AT URINAL: I didn’t say anything
the “b” and “d” in “backward” are really just there as an example
Me: What’s your name please?
Customer: Hal
Me: I never met a Hal What’s that short for?
Customer: Harold
Me: I’m gonna go ahead and write Hallelujah
Boss: Could you ever just don’t?
I hate when people can’t let go of the past.
Debt collectors are the worst.
Giving my wife a bikini wax for the first time. Should I wake her up or just let it be a surprise?
Surprised Scarlett Johansson didn’t leg sweep Travolta, throw him over her should onto his back and put her foot on his throat.
Wanna know the secret to a good marriage? Sleep. Cant do anything wrong while sleeping. Unless you talk in your sleep, then youre dead.
Adam: are you naked?
Eve: yeah I don’t give a fig
Say sliders to drugs
Say no to yes
Me: But what about the time I saw 9 sets of footprints in the sand?
Jesus: Hey man it’s a public beach
*Do not consume if seal is broken*
I’ve just gone through this whole box of animal crackers and haven’t found one seal.
this recipe says red onions are too spicy for salad
The problem with Quotes on #Twitter is that… it is so difficult to tell if they are Genuine – William Shakespeare
“I wrote a song for you” he threatened.
me: this used to be a Pizza Hut, you can always tell no matter what they turn it into
prison guard: no talking after lights out
I love going places just to spend the entire time taking my kids to the bathroom
Americans will literally use anything BUT the metric system.
cop pulling me over: whoa whoa, where are you off to in such a hurry
me: some of your colleagues are chasing me
new career option?