TIP: Always carry a motorcycle helmet with u. Then u never have to do your hair & u can blame it on safety & the law & stuff.
#lifehacks
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I will never sell out my integrity unless I am offered something for it.
friend: where have you been all day
me: hunting shapeshifters
friend: maybe it’s time to turn in
me: [narrows eyes] turn into what
There is no cool way to zip up your pants during a meeting.
“Dude.” “Dude.” “Dude.” “Dude.” “Dude.” “Dude.” “Dude.” “Dude.” “Dude.” “Dude.” “Dude.” “Dude.” – crickets (translated)
[Me in hospital bed]
My wife: How is he?
Dr: He was dead for 15m
Wife remembering “Til death do us part” in our wedding vows:*pumps fist
Darth Vader: Luke, I am your father
Luke: really?
Darth Vader: yeah. Why?
Luke: you have the voice of a heavyset black guy is all
Ok, but have you ever been stuck in a sports bra, and the only person around to help you was your teenage son, so you just lived as a sweaty pretzel for an entire day?
My wife ate a bowl of chili and a large coffee before our kids’ soccer game today, so I gave her the car keys and said “I hope you make it in the time”
If you say “I don’t feel good” and a pregnant woman says “Me neither,” DO NOT respond with “Yeah, but you chose this for yourself…”
when you just wanna do your zoom call but your cat wants to start an onlyfans
I didn’t even know Canada existed until Twitter.
Shrink: How many true friends do you believe you have?
Me: Define “true friend.”
Shrink: Someone you feel you can tell anything.
Me: 11,419.
DOCTOR: If you don’t exercise, there’s really no point in dieting.
ME: I can’t wait to tell my wife the good news.
“Can I go play w/ my Twitter friends?”
Wife: “Are the kids in bed & the dishwasher emptied?”
“…Yes”
*wife opens cabinet, kids fall out*
I told my date I was depressed. I added, “not like cut my inner thigh depressed, but sleep with you even though I don’t like you depressed.”
*Buys Samsung smart fridge. Opens app every 15 minutes to see if there’s anything good in there*
Got kicked out of karate class for kicking people out of karate class
I very much doubt that actual military commandos go into battle without underwear on.
clerk: looks like you got big plans for the new year
me: yeah *filling my cart with fireworks* imma fight the sky
I love when my friends start selling weight loss shakes because that’s one less person I ever have to talk to again.
Wife: I want to have another baby
Me: one is more than enough
Wife: we have 3
Me: the others know how I feel
The reason the “Cars” movies have gained so much popularity is becuase the cars speak to one another. You don’t get that with real life cars
The six year old has started saying “wanna hear a joke” and then reciting various compound words like “watermelon. water. melon. GET IT?!” and i always laugh but just between you and me i don’t get it
screaming into balloons for an extra surprise when the kids pop them
Stopped visiting friends because they have a child gate on the way to the upstairs bathroom I can’t figure out.
Mom I wouldn’t be invited to jump off the bridge
My doctor won’t go away. I know what you’re thinking but he has been eating small pieces of apple over many decades to build up an immunity.
You look like you come from a long line of restraining orders.
“Can’t wait to see you this summer” they said
“I’m gonna miss you so much” they said
“Stop quoting me” they said
If video games really made people violent, I would be jumping on every turtle I saw.