Tip for drowning your enemies:
Paint pictures of people yawning on the bottom of their swimming pool.
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Like that whole spinach in the teeth thing, I never know if it’s polite to tell a lizard person when they have a little tear in their human suit.
Me: *unfreezes cro-magnon woman I uncover on an arctic expedition*
Cro-magnon woman: “I have a boyfriend.”
I hate it when I want wine and the wine home delivery man hasn’t been invented yet.
Me: I can never hear the alarm in the morning anymore.
Wife: Me either. We are getting old.
Me: Nah, I think it’s because we have become used to annoying sounds.
Wife: What do you mean-
[Kids start imitating hyenas]
-nevermind.
Whenever I have to park in a bad neighbourhood I leave my Blackberry in plain sight so people know there’s nothing worth stealing in my car
WIFE: Do you think men and women are just hardwired differently?
ME [drinking a bottle of shampoo]: *bubble noises*
Fact: DJs who work at radio stations playing christmas music for two months are not allowed to wear belts or shoe laces.
If someone at the party talks about tossing the salad I instinctively look to see who is trying to hold in their giggles.
Of all my mistakes, you were the mistakiest
ME: “My time machine works! I just killed Bobby Hitler!”
FRIEND: “You mean baby Hitler?”
ME:
FRIEND:
ME:”I’ll be right back.”
doctor: I’ve written you a prescription here. Follow that and let’s check in next week. It should help with your symptoms but if it doesn’t we’ll know more.
chiropractor sprinting to double kick you in the neck: say goodbye to IBS
My mother-in-law said “just do what you normally do” when she came to stay with us. Not going to lie, naked Saturday was a little awkward.
I hate that feeling when your iPod earbud accidentally gets ripped out of your ear and you want to murder someone with a hammer.
getting carded isn’t cute anymore. look at my face buddy we both know i’m not here to have fun. hand over the substances
Fridges have magnetic doors because kids used to get stuck in them. We now literally have to tell adults not to eat tide pods.
A woman could tweet “My dog just died” and she would get replies like “Well, I’m not dead ;)”
I’m convinced the first ‘Kirsten’ was a typo. Everyone was like, “Yeah, obvious misspelling but she’s pretty cool so whatever,” and now we can’t get rid of ‘em because we let that first one slide
friend: thanks for all ur help
me:(forgot the phrase “its my pleasure”) i will pleasure myself about it
The biggest problem with prison is that you can only rearrange your cell in so many ways because of where the toilet is.
I recently got a tattoo with Chinese symbols that reads, “I don’t know. I don’t speak Chinese.”
Then when people ask me what it means…
Husband’s on fire today. He’s made lunch for us both and the smoke alarm’s just gone off.
When I was your age we had to walk barefoot two miles uphill in the snow to Twitter
It’s funny when a cartoon character drops a piano on someone’s head but when I do it it’s a “crime”??
Can’t. The ex-girlfriend is making me take her to the movies.
Wife: I TOLD YOU TO STOP CALLING ME THAT!
Me: Since the kids are spending the night at Grandma’s, we FINALLY have the chance to sleep in.
Smoke alarm battery: Not if I can help it.
Be warned, person who set of a whole bunch of fireworks at 4 am–you’ve made a minimally powerful enemy.
I’ve started giving my sons chores that I know they will do, such as:
“Ignore the dishes in the sink”
“Starve the plants until they die”
“Never come out of your room”So far, they’re crushing it
I threw my bra on stage at a concert once. It landed somewhere in the flute section.
My aunt cuts her name & address label from magazines for fear of the legendary “saw your name & address on a magazine label” murderer