Tip for great hair: Don’t wash it for 17 days. Finally shower. Wait for the compliments to roll in.
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I wonder if deer are sometimes like OMG THE TREES THAT SMELL LIKE MOUNTAIN DEW ARE SHOOTING AT US
ME: Can I have the job please
INTERVIEWER: I meant, like, questions ABOUT the job
ME: Ah, yes. About the job: Can I have it
Goblin adventurer whose catchphrase is “no goblemo”
“Let’s take a couple dozen over-stimulated children and give them enough sugar to kill an elephant.” – inventor of the birthday party
If you haven’t learned to use overlapping circles to demonstrate relationships Venn vill you?
Today, i tried to run with a mask on, but i couldn’t.
It reminded me of those times when i tried to run without a mask and still couldn’t.
[before date]
friend: make everything about her
[date]
waiter: *trips and spills food everywhere*
me: *to date* this is all your fault
*Takes one bite from every item in the work refrigerator*
[in car on a road trip]
Me (checks clock): 5:07
*reads for a bit*
*scrolls emails*
*searches for radio station*
*eats a snack*
*knits a sweater*Me (checks clock): 5:08
Crypto is over. This is the year of cryptic currency. Pay for your groceries with a mumbled prophecy and a cursed stone.
Choose a job you love and you’ll never work a day in your life, because you’ll never get that job.
♫ Hey there Delilah, what’s it like when u go grazing
I know u said you’re not a cow but girl this milk sure tastes amazing
Did u just moo ♫
Dinner is ready!
-my smoke detector
Dyslexic Superbowl watchers were probably disappointed when they saw football instead of a superb owl.
I don’t drink blood to stay young. I do it mainly for the lifestyle.
If I was a witch I would cast vague and subtle spells. So and so never gets to see a rainbow again. That type of stuff.
Fun Fact:
The “eye roll” was created by Eve in the Garden of Eden within 15 min of her first conversation with Adam.
me: thinking about getting into necrophilia
her: over my dead body
me: that’s the spirit
mugger: gimme all your cash
me: lmao my what
I always set two wake up alarms, one for the person I want to be and one for the person I am
[phone rings]
Guy: is your refrigerator running?
Me: yes my refrigerator is runn-
Fridge [grabs phone]: hello? Yeah actually I do crossfit
Not to victim-blame, but maybe Bruce Wayne’s father shouldn’t have brought his wife and 8 yr old son to a place called Crime Alley.
Remember before Twitter you would have to pickup the phone and call someone to tell them how much you love bacon ?
“It got weird, didn’t it? ”
*Leaves on a pogo stick.*
You don’t have to say “I love you too,” pizza man.
But it was nice of you.
I used to wrap all of my teen brother’s Christmas gifts in Victoria’s Secret boxes, which was a great conversation starter when he had friends over.
Woman: Does Viagra work?
Pharmacist: Yes
Woman: Can you get it over the counter?
Pharmacist: Yes if I take two!
Bears spend a bunch of time getting fat, sleep for a few months and then wake up skinny. Being a human is terrible.
I just checked Amazon again and they still don’t sell fire-breathing dragons. I’m a Prime member, this is bullshit.
Jokes on you, I still have a stockpile of toilet paper from the Mayan Calendar Apocalypse.