Blue cheese dressing makes anything a salad. For example, this french fry salad I’m eating right now
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chore hatred level:
considering becoming a raw food vegan and drinking straight from the garden hose to avoid doing dishes
DOCTOR: To cure your blue skin condition, you must immerse your entire head in this vat of chemicals
GUY ABOUT TO BECOME SKELETOR: Sounds crazy but okay
My favourite movie romance is Keanu Reeves and Sandy Bullock in Speed because they meet by overcoming the greatest relationship hardship of all: when a woman is driving and a man is trying to give her directions
Clean sheet day!!
*brushes Pringles crumbs over to his side of the bed*
Wonder what happens when you have a viral tweet, like your phone makes slot machine noises or what
*i maintain solid eye contact with my boss, who is in the process of firing me for eating on the job, as i slowly pull out a chalupa from my coat pocket & begin eating it*
ME: I’m just gonna take a quick nap.
KIDS: Check out the new cirque du soleil show we invented.
*living room is on fire*
*tucks an errant lock of my gynecologist’s hair behind her ear with my toes*
It has been scientifically proven that any woman can be satisfied with only 3 1/2 inches — and it doesn’t matter if it is Visa or MasterCard
Does superman ever go back to get his clothes, or is Metropolis just full of hobos running around in glasses and Clark Kent outfits?
I get all my cardio by crying when someone calls me ma’am at the gym.
Kids have it rough these days. Alexa wasn’t responding to my son , so he had to change the volume on his commercial-free, on-demand show by physically pressing buttons on the remote control.
Wife: I’m going to wine down
Me: You mean wind down
Wife: No
If you know someone who effortlessly falls asleep every night, that is a demon. You’re friends with a demon.
I can’t believe my friend from high school lets her kid have an Instagram account when she’s only *checks notes* 21.
doctor: i have your blood test here
me: and?
doctor: you failed
The best part about my sex life is all the free time it affords me.
I JUST DRUNK 37 MONSTER ENERGYS AND NOW I CAN SMELL ABSTRACT LEGISLATIVE EUPHEMISMS
Marie Kondo: Ask yourself if it sparks joy?
Me: [looks at daughter’s bedroom and throws the entire room out]
No one:
Absolutely no one:
Guy in a Vulcan costume: [loudly, smugly] I wonder if anyone will recognize MY costume
I caught a wild peeve, but it’s always bothered me when people make pets of things so I let it go.
You found a baby spider in here?
-Yeah, but only one.
*Googles avg # of spiders hatched*
*eyes widen*Just. One?
[Never. Sleeps. Again.]
We ran out of eggnog last night so I put brandy in some pancake batter and nobody noticed.
Someone asked who sang Johnny B Goode, and I said Marty McFly because I’m not an idiot and I know how time travel works.
I love when young people try to insult me and say ‘It’s way past your bedtime old man’. Bro, it’s not an insult, it’s a reminder.
earth: *typing symptoms into webmd*
webmd: *breathes in sharply* why don’t you go ahead and have a seat
wife: Why is there a mousetrap in the fridge!?
me [whispers to toddler] Why is there a mousetrap in the fridge?
toddler [whispers] Because that’s where the cheese is
me: Because that’s where the cheese is!
“Pick up some electrician from the market. I’m having problems with AC again.”—married sext