Tip for twitter newbies:
Before you start using twitter, please make sure this is really what you want to do with the rest of your life.
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me: “okay I might as well just say it..I love you”
girl dinosaur: “omg u have no idea how long I’ve waited for u to say that!”
*meteorite*
Home Alone: Abandoned by his loved ones, a young boy must survive a violent home invasion. (Family, Comedy)
If I took every USB cable I’ve ever owned and strung them end-to-end, I’d have a cable 34 miles long that I still couldn’t find when I needed it.
“Want to come watch the game Saturday at 8:00?”
Well I’m going rollerskating at 1:00, so yeah I should be out of the hospital by then.
“Lunchables” is a good name because it doesn’t make any grandiose claims: “This is able to be eaten as lunch.”
My rap name is Weapons of Mass Destruction because you go in thinking I’m going to destroy you but it turns out I’ve got absolutely nothing.
Feeling extremely smug after being the best at pulling over to let an ambulance pass
I feel closer to people when I am cleaning because dust is composed mostly of human skin.
When faced with a dilemma, I just whisper softly to myself
” What would Homer Simpson do?”
Top 3 questions asked by my parents:
3) How’s the business?
2) Do you have a girlfriend?
1) Why are you stealing from our refrigerator?
Sleeping is my drug, my bed is my dealer and my alarm is the police.🙃
(My cat, about to barf) MUST…MAKE IT…TO…CARPET
My dad is Jamaican and my mum is Iranian, which meant that we spent most of our family holidays in Customs.
[God, creating pigeons]
Make them pace back and forth like a lawyer.
haha, if i’m supposed to be at work right now then how come me & my friend dale are at the park watching two real estate agents trying to eat a pigeon?
The twins brought in significantly less candy than I purchased. Running Halloween at a deficit is simply not acceptable.
I’m sorry I lied, but in my defense, telling the truth would have had consequences and I hate those.
*wife wonders where I am*
*hears every musical snowman in the store start singing*
*knows where I am*
The dog version of Die Hard:
– Barkatomi Plaza
– John McGoodboy
– Holly Gennaroof
– Alan Rickman is a mailman
– Arfgyle
my wife came home from church and caught me and Gary trying her jeans on again .
Why?
How I answer every text when my friends with little kids ask me what I’m doing tonight
Related – I never babysit
“Ok, what shall we call these skewers of food?”
STEVE: How about a Kasteve?
BOB: I have a better idea
I would be a bad fish.
Fishermen would be like, “omg i’m so ugly” and I’d take the bait and disagree, instead of swimming away.
Me: My wife got me a telescope for Christmas.
Neighbor: Nice. I got-
Me: I know. I watched you guys open everything
Boss: “Are you texting?”
Me: “No, I’m Tweeting.”
Boss: “What’s the difference?”
Me: “Texting would imply that I have friends.”
Sometimes I tell myself I should stop drinking so much, but I’m not about to listen to a drunk who’s talking to himself.
To the person crowding me in the checkout line, do you want a hug .. ’cause if you get any closer, I’m gonna assume you do and give you one.
Friend: I heard you survived a heart attack
Me: Yeah. I owe my life to the big man upstairs
Fat Larry: *shouting from upstairs* You’re welcome
*time travels to the 1950s*
Me: …and it’ll change the world forever. I call it the Internet
1950s person: incredible! How does it work?
Me: