Tip for twitter newbies:
Before you start using twitter, please make sure this is really what you want to do with the rest of your life.
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Maybe the environment should adapt to accommodate our negligence did it ever think about that
ME: i would like to open a checking account
BANKER: would you like a savings account too?
ME: no
BANKER: okay, just checking
excuse me why are *people* accepting medals for the equestrian events this is some bs
Thank God I wasn’t on twitter when I was in college. It would’ve taken me 65 years to get my degree.
I wish people would move over a bit in their selfies. We’re redecorating a bathroom and looking for ideas.
Nice mustache, bro.
Her: What?
A Parenting Mad Lib:
Why is there ____(adjective)____ ____(noun)____ all over the ____(noun)____? If you don’t stop ____(verb ending in “ing”)____ and clean it up by the time I count to ____(number)____, I swear I’m going to ____(empty threat)____!
therapist: you are your own worst enemy
me: undefeated baby
My kids don’t drive me to drink. Can’t wait until they get their license and they can though.
My current wife doesn’t like my use of adjectives
good prank: sneak into someone’s house every night over a year and replace thier toilet with a slightly larger one until it fills tthe room
When you get a 3D printer, don’t mess around. Go straight to printing money.
The fun thing about Airbnb’s is that you get to clean someone else’s house on your vacation
If you’re worried that technology will take over remember humans develop technology & we’re surprised how hot it is in the summer. Always.
I’m smart, but not “I’ll stop talking while I’m still ahead” smart.
Hey Walmart, don’t be pissed at me for not scanning everything
you literally gave me zero training before promoting me to cashier.
I’ve never been cut in half by a magician, but I have worn jeans on Thanksgiving. Same thing
What’s the proper etiquette for when someone cancels plans? Should I send them a thank you card?
Treat her like a princess & she’ll love you forever.
Unless she’s an actual princess. Then she’ll just think “I’m being treated normally.”
My kids asked me how to spell desert and dessert so I told them to type it both ways and see what emojis pop up
Never really had a nickname in my life.. Except maybe that one time a bunch of chumps called me “The defendant” for a full day.
Me: Teacher, is it pronounced neither or neither?
T: It’s neither.
Me: So they’re both wrong?
T: I say neither, but you can say either.
Me: It can’t be either neither, you have to pick a neither.
T: Neither the school nor your parents pay me enough for this shit.
My Twitter clique is basically five or six people who have mistaken me for someone else.
Apparently it’s okay for the office to have “casual Friday’s,” but “nudist Tuesday’s” are frowned upon. How embarrassing for me.
Me: So tired. So weak. Is this the coronavirus?
My body: The only vegetable you’ve had in weeks was on a pizza.
Me: Why me? I’m so young, so new to this earth
Body: You slept 20 total hours last week.
Me: Oh mortality, so cruel, so dark.
Body: Maybe drink water? Just once
Life can change in an instant. Hug the people you love, and appreciate what you have, before it’s gone.
Wife: WHY ARE YOU STANDING IN THE KITCHEN NAKED.
Me: Who cares? I’m on a conference call. No one can see.
Boss: Rod can you mute your phone please.
It’s that time of year again, to reflect and remember how much I love my tax deductions.
Kids… I meant my kids.
My kids think they’re way cooler than me like WHATEVER nerds by your age I’d already had my license, sex, and a visit by the FBI.