canadians wear auxe boudy sprauy
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EGYPTIAN KING: we shall build religious monuments. they will baffle future science.
SUBJECT: what shall we worship?
EGYPTIAN KING: cats
MESSENGER: sire, a peasant named humpty dumpty fell off a wall
KING: send all my horses and men to put him back together
QUEEN: should we not just send a doctor
KING: no send all the horses and men
ADVISOR: my liege, the castle will be defenseless
KING: all of them i said
All I’m saying is when I’m drunk in the backyard I still put my shirt on just like everyone else, one leg at a time…
May the fourth be with you and if you’re married, may the back and forth be with you
My phone dies, freeing me from my prison. I look up at the world. Deer live in my house.
One day, perhaps, I will manage to send myself an email without thinking “ooh who’s this?!” when it arrives three seconds later.
Mugger: Give me everything you got
Me: Hope you like a low credit score and insomnia
I still have a landline…
or as I call it a
Cell Phone Finder
Of all the typos I’ve seen on here, “terrorists synthesizer” is one of my favourite.
My first instinct when I see an animal is to say “hello”. My first instinct when I see a person is to avoid eye contact & hope it goes away.
Cop: please step out of the car
Me: *pulling away* suck it, cop!
Roller coaster operator: he’ll be back in 2 min 24 seconds
Congrats, you’ve been selected for the job
Me: Whats the salary?
10k now and will increase to 25k later
Me: Ok then, I will come later
I’ve hired a circus clown for my funeral.
Not for any of that celebrate my life bullshit, just to sit silently at the back to freak my family out.
I’m not trying to be racist but black people are darker than white people.
What was your favorite part of school today?
1st child: My teacher told me that I was a great helper!
2nd child: Taking toys away from my friends!
I got soap in my shower beer again.
Me: my fitbit broke
Sales Guy: how
Me: i put it on my dog’s tail and asked him who’s a good boy
Sales Guy: if i give you a new one can i see
When I asked for my wife’s hand in marriage, I didn’t realize how often I’d just get the finger.
my kids don’t always go to the bathroom but when they do they need to use the same bathroom at the same time, all together
I said I couldn’t care less, but look at that… you proved me wrong
HAHA! Answer your phone silly. I called you like 18 times.
-I say as I climb through your window
Harry Potter & the Deathly Hallows (2011) A bunch of adults trash a high school bc a noseless man thinks a child is better than him at magic
Could a murderer do THIS?
*lawyer points to defendant doing cool tap dance*
I remind the jury that only guilty feet have got no rhythm.
Me: I have a million things to get done before Christmas
Also me: now seems like the perfect time to learn origami
Me: *leaving flowers* We miss you Auntie Anne
Cashier: Sir, this is a pretzel stand
Me: I know but her actual grave is like, really far away
What people don’t know about me is, when I say “No worries!” There’s a hidden comma in the middle 😓
Someone being big spoon for me is not enough. I need to get ladled.
PitbullPhobia: An extreme or irrational fear of singing alone.
WIFE: please stop telling people you bought me on eBay. It’s not funny
[later]
THEM: so how did you two meet?
ME: I did NOT buy her on eBay
I want those snacks that have 2 eyes and a scary mouth
-my 3 yo, describing pretzels