@theevilwriter: Tip: if you often say things like "there is no i in team but there *is* one in incompetence" they won't ask you to mentor new coworkers.
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@SortaBad: I bet kangaroos get drunk and find some ridiculous shit in their pouches in the morning.
@jimmy_boston: Wife: Did you get eggs? Me: pew pew Wife: Great lasers, so did you? Me: pew pew pew pew pee Wife: Why me god. Me: *barrel roll* pew pew
@jonnysun: ME: wat if they dont like me MOM: just be urself ME: ok! [comes home early in a masive cloud of bees] ME: WAIT DID U SAY "BEE URSELF" OR "BE