Tip: if you often say things like “there is no i in team but there *is* one in incompetence” they won’t ask you to mentor new coworkers.
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“Camping” – noun:
when you create a late night picnic for the hungry animals in a field with you being the meaty snack
awareness is a funny thing. within a ten minute period my daughter went from not knowing about dinosaurs to sobbing hysterically about the evil planet earth that killed her potential best friend, the pterodactyls
Creamy peanut butter is the best because it’s the only thing holding this car together.
Reasons I work out.
1) I don’t wanna be bit by a vampire and spend eternity out of shape and double chinned.
2) I guess to be healthy
the approval process for adding someone to a group chat should be harder than getting a passport.
When people with bible quotes in their bio follow me…I don’t know man. I think you’re gonna have a bad time
aren’t all napkins supposed to be sanitary
As a holiday tradition on Christmas Day, all Christmas presents are checked with our drug dog.
Those deemed suspicious, are mine.
Every restaurant that opens around my town is like “come on by for amazing food, our hours are Wednesday to Thursday, 1pm-3pm, can’t wait to see you!”
“And to my heirs, I will leave all this….”
*gestures toward 146 half-full nail polishes, all roughly the same color
Sorry but this is the best bird story I’ve ever read. The update is *chefs kiss*
Laughter really is the best medicine. Unless you have STDs then talk to your doctor.
fire doesn’t get enough credit for being inclusive. it’s always like “hey you wanna come be fire too?”
[At drive through]
GUY: would you like a drink holder?
ME: ya sure
[driving home]
ME: so uh, what’s the pay like?
GUY IN BACKSEAT HOLDING TWO SPRITES: It’s not great.
Me: ‘I just want to do something spontaneous.’
Combustion: ‘We’ll see.’
HEY YOU WANNA GO FOR A RIDE IN MY TRUCK BABY. NO I WANNA GO TO YOUR HOUSE. MEET YOUR WIFE. MAYBE SHE WANTS TO COME WITH?
‘I don’t think I’ve ever been this hungry before’
–Me, every 45 minutes
When you go in the other room I ask your dog what you look like naked.
A good way to know if your girlfriend is a lizard is if she eats a bunch of crickets or small birds
I don’t whisper sweet nothings.
I yodel them.
[First Date]
ME: I prepared some questions to get to know you
HER: Ok!
ME: What’s the capital of Honduras?
HER: um…
ME:[writing] bad at geo-
Waiter: Is Pepsi ok?
Pepsi: I’m fine.
Been married so long it’s almost like a first date. Husband is always wondering if he’s even gonna make it to 1st base.
I’ve been chasing a fly around my apartment for like 20 mins with a rolled up magazine. There’s a really good article I think he should see
I don’t care which way the toilet paper faces. I was raised with real problems.
(in starbucks) “i’ll take 450 lattes”
“thats $2,380”
(card declined) “DAMMIT just one then”
I miss lying to closest friends about where i am on my transit journey
Me: Some people go through life looking for signs and others constantly miss them.
Cop: Again, license and registration please
Last night my wife was watching Marie Kondo, this morning I woke up on the curb.
I want to install a camera system, partly for security, but mostly so when my husband texts me asking what’s for dinner I can send him a 16 minute video montage of the kids screaming followed by a Thai take-out menu screen-shot.