@GulfCoastJake: Tip: When the cop asks you "Do you know how fast you were going?" do NOT respond with "I know, right?!"
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@IntergalacticQ: My cousin mad because he just found out his wife is on Tinder but he only saw her profile bc he was on Tinder being shiesty too... so now he can't bring it up and is just pissed internally everyday
@neiltyson: Getting straight "A"s does not guarantee success, but plenty of evidence shows that not getting "A"s doesn't preclude it.
@bottlerocket: A guy just made fun of me for buying wine coolers at the store. I'm wearing crocs with socks and that's what you're going to make fun of?
@Mr_Kapowski: [firetruck honks its obnoxiously loud horn] [goose in the distance hears it] "Oh shit guys, that sounds like my wife. Gotta fly"