Tip: When the cop asks you “Do you know how fast you were going?” do NOT respond with “I know, right?!”
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I’m not sure what my three-year-old needs more, naps or an exorcism.
My uncle told me the other day that the world is in a really crazy place when Twitter seems more logical than the general public so congrats y’all are considered the most sane people on the planet by at least one person
I was arrested last Halloween. Apparently it’s illegal to chase someone yelling, Touch me! Even if they are dressed as the Grim Reaper.
My daughter’s birthday wishlist this year can only be deciphered by a much, much richer man.
You can buy wedding cake even if there’s no wedding, those suckers don’t even check
Me washing dishes, wearing rubber gloves: Ouchie. 🙁 Why does the water have to get so hot
Me in the shower, turning the left tap as far as it will go: Bliss. Magic. I want to be scalded like a Christmas lobster
Why is rage the only thing you hear about people seething with? Where are the people seething with happiness?
I once tried to the Dirty Dancing lift with my cat but it turns out Mr. Mittens isn’t very strong.
I keep sending TikTok clips to 18 and she keeps ignoring them. Girl do you know how many handstands you made me watch in the pool? You owe me.
When your wife asks you to dig
a hole for her shrub-She’ll feel threatened if you make
it large enough to hold a body.I know this now.
Day 8 at home and my dog is looking at me like, “See? This is why I chew the furniture.”
If my husband doesn’t like my cooking, he can buy his meth somewhere else.
Ugh my boyfriend’s all “Stop asking my Dad if he likes your underoos” and “Stop snap-chatting my Mom” and “Stop calling me your boyfriend”
Overheard at British Museum –
Young boy to Dad – ‘when you die, can I use your skull to strike fear into the hearts of my enemies?’
Dad – ‘…no.’
[pharmacy]
“Can I help you?”
Yeah, could you recommend anything over the counter for this?
*lifts shirt to reveal 7 fresh gunshot wounds*
nothing like a slow cooked sausage
I’ve got chicken fingers and a McRib, a few more parts and my monster will be complete.
I open a yogurt like I’m opening a coffin
I believe:
– I can fly.
– Children are the future.
– Knowledge is power.
– I will use my powers to defeat the future children.
Judge: So, you maintain that he took advantage of you?
Her: Yes Your Honor!
Judge: When did you realize this?
Her: When his check bounced
Everyone is always talking about raising money for dogs without homes but what about the ones who don’t have cars
TSA agent: Ma’am you’re alarming in your abdomen.
Me, starving: You can hear that?!?
Them: …
Me: …
Them: It’s the drawstrings on your pants.
Me: They’re hungry too?!?
I didn’t ask to be the “bad boy” of professional tennis. Probably why it never happened.
*on toxicology phone consult in middle of the night*
doctor: ok thanks for all your help
me: no problem, have a good one
doctor: love you bye
me:
doctor:
me:
doctor: i’m married
i don’t believe this you guys, they’re lying on the news. right to my face
Things I’ve learned in life
1. Never tickle a stranger at a bar or at the urinal.2….
That’s it. Just don’t tickle people you don’t know
It’s been 6 months since I joined the gym and no progress. I’m going there in person tomorrow to see what’s really going on.
this was the best i’ve ever seen
You’d think for $40 they’d be able to cut anything but apparently my wife’s expensive craft scissors are not for opening ice pops.
Me: *calls wife* hey, did you know that cats use their whiskers to see if they can fit through places
Wife: um yeah, is this why you’re calling me?
Me: haha no… i’m stuck in the chimney