Tip: When the cop asks you “Do you know how fast you were going?” do NOT respond with “I know, right?!”
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For as long as that song was, you’d think the Ghost Busters would have mentioned their phone number at least once…
My neighbor Ron is mad at me just because my book ‘The Many Lawn Care Mistakes of My Neighbor Ron’ is a hit with both critics and readers.
Me: I had a nightmare that someone broke into our house and tried to steal our kids
Husband: What’s the nightmare part?
my daughter has been thrusting her stuffed animals in my face for me to kiss, but I’m being very selective so she learns to have standards
[speed dating]
*girl sits down*
“hi im melan-
QUICK A ZOMBIE APOCALYPSE HAPPENS WHAT WEAPON DO YOU USE
“wha-
CORRECT ANSWER WAS KATANA. NEXT
Remember when we had to smack the TV cause it wasn’t coming in clearly…I feel that way about too many people
“so i had the dream again last night,”
priest: *sighs* again, dreaming about sleeping with the green m&m is not a sin. weird, but not a sin
Magician: Abracadabra!
[cloud of smoke as woman volunteer disappears]
Husband (stands up): YES! …I mean, noooo. *quietly sits down*
who did the taste test?
Any sink has a garbage disposal if you push hard enough.
cat people: dogs are fine
dog people: cats are sent from the devil
Bathrooms have Changed from being a Singing Studio, to a Photo Studio.
Mom always said she didn’t have a favorite child, which was tough because I don’t have any brothers or sisters.
Ate too much salad today so I’m going on an Oreos cleanse tomorrow.
Child: I learned a joke at school.
Me: Ok let’s hear it.
Child: What goes in stiff but comes out soft?
Me:
Child:
Me:
Child:
Me: Is it a-
Wife [running in from other room]: SPAGHETTI IT’S SPAGHETTI
Yoda: Clouded, your future is.
Anakin: Are you smoking pot again?
Yoda: Six cheeseburgers, I want.
I have decided to boycott the Plague due to its poor customer service.
Behind every successful woman is a Man who let her down.
if I had a girlfriend I’d cook a giant scallion pancake in the shape of a poncho just to keep her warm
I mean I married my wife for her looks, but not the dirty ones she’s been giving me lately.
Give me the nuclear codes. No one would expect me to have them
Oceans 11? When I went to school there were just 5
Mother’s Day is great b/c you get to wake up to your kids fighting over who gets to give you your card first instead of regular fighting.
I’m serious. You’re the worst species I ever created, and I made 3,500 different cockroaches.
Sick of the media always blaming video games for the rise in fantastical jewel-seeking quests.
What’s the normal amount of hair to mail someone? I feel like this is a lot of hair I’m mailing to someone
Man reading a book: hot
Man with a baby: hot
Man reading a book to a baby: hold me back my ovaries have exploded.
U know how In a box of chocolates there’s always one disgusting one? That was my idea, I came up w that. “Put a gross one in there” I said
all that yoga finally paid off
Having kids has taught me that their ears are for decorative purposes only.