Tiptoeing would be much more fun if your toes made that tinkling sound like they do in cartoons.
You Might Also Like
It only looks like my kids are having popsicles for breakfast, Brenda, those are clearly frozen smoothies
my kid had her whole class make birthday cards for her dog who celebrated his birthday yesterday.
we don’t have a dog.
read this from top to bottom to discover just how much movement your eyebrows are capable of
*holds up bread* this is my body
*holds up wine* this is my blood
*holds up fire* and this is my mixtape
Do you think when Spider-Man gets stoned with Batman and the Hulk he sometimes thinks the spider on his chest is real and freaks out?
Just accidentally spilled my cat’s food all over the floor and his reaction was…. a lot 😂
Is it still murder if they said, “Some other time,” but I thought they said smother time?
It turns out condoms aren’t 100% effective, unless you actually take them out of your wallet…
Jingling your keys in front of a crying baby is a great way to distract them while you steal their wallet
If I fall of this roof cause I’m tweeting, you fuckers have to come and take turns spoon feeding me mash in hospital.
Assassins are just murderers who found a way to make money off their favorite hobby.
Me: Today I found the perfect wine to have with dinner
Him: Awesome, where is it?
M: *points to belly*
You wanna hot body?
You wanna Bugatti?
You wanna Maseratti?
Then this is an intervention you NEED to stop listening to Britney Spears.
No one has tried to kill me in awhile, and my body double is openly complaining the job I hired him for is less exciting than promised.
Me: My mom’s famous hot chocolate recipe involved making a bowl of Cocoa Puffs, eating the Cocoa Puffs, then heating up the leftover milk, and topping it with the marshmallows from Lucky charms. Occasionally she’d give us cookie crisp to dunk
Red lobster waiter: we have shrimps
Overweight people know they’re overweight, tall people know they’re tall, why is it that stupid people don’t know what they are?
(Standing next to pool with a golf club and horse)
Friends: Are you sure you’ve played water polo before?
[playing hide and seek]
daughter: WHAT IS LOVE
[silence]
daughter: WHAT IS LOVE
[silence]
daughter: WHAT IS L-
me: [exploding out of closet] BABY DON’T HURT ME
Fun Fact: Every hour of daylight savings is kept in a subterranean vault in Colorado. Once every four years, they release them all, and that’s how we get a leap day.
Me: I am forever in your debt
Bank manager: That is accurate
I just want to put my hair in a cute little messy bun and not look like a sumo wrestler.
Had a guy compliment me on my neck…
hmm..
So on a hunky vampire scale from “Twilight” to “The Lost Boys”, how freaky is this about to get?
Me: *airbrushing a wolf howling at the moon among a starry night sky*
Detective: honestly just a chalk outline around the body is fine
When people try to play games with you, simply choose not to play. Unless it’s Naked Twister. Never turn down Naked Twister.
Genie: If you say another word, your going to die.
Me: ʸᵒᵘ’ʳᵉ
A doorbell rings. I immediately look up, shocked, as I don’t have one installed. It chimes again. I shiver. The sound vibrates in my soul. I lay aside my book, the text forgotten, and go inexorably to answer the summons. There’s a man there. He speaks,
“Hello. I sell doorbells.”
Going to tell my grandkids this is how Covid started.
Judge: Guilty!
*bangs gavel*NINE MONTHS LATER
*gavel holding freaky gavel-human hybrid baby*
Judge: *tears welling up* ..he has your eyes
All I’m saying is a cucumber will never ghost you.
Whoa there, pregnancy test. You just tell us yes or no and we’ll decide if it’s positive or negative.