@Mike_Bianchi: Tired of being single? Just lower your standards a bit. My new girlfriend is a coconut taped to a mop.
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@lawking30: She asked for my name, if I'm alone, had me remove belt/shoes & take out what I have in my pants. Interactions w/TSA agents are underrated.
@Fred_Delicious: "Dad can we get a puppy?" "No but we can get a submarine if you like?" [2 hours later 3000m beneath the pacific] "dad I should be at school"
@nonsensetwit: If I had a daycare, I think it would be awesome to get each kid to wear one of those backpack-leash things and make them pull me on a sled.
@Notoliviasteel: DOCTOR: u broke ur leg in five places, how did this happen ME:*flashback of me trying to carry too much ice cream up the stairs* bears.