@Mike_Bianchi: Tired of being single? Just lower your standards a bit. My new girlfriend is a coconut taped to a mop.
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@AndrewChamings: ME: In 1923 W. C. Fields said "It ain't what they call you, it's what you answer to." BARISTA: I just need to write something on the cup.
@ScottLinnen: Turns out telling a friend "you're giving off a weird vibe tonight" is not the most direct way to tell them they're on fire
@XplodingUnicorn: 4-year-old: I put my Barbie in the tanning bed. Me: You don’t have a Barbie tanning bed. 4: Me: *sprints to the toaster*
@theshantilly: My whole life is that moment when you send an important e-mail mentioning an attachment without the actual attachment.