@Mike_Bianchi: Tired of being single? Just lower your standards a bit. My new girlfriend is a coconut taped to a mop.
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@WilliamRodgers: *Reads about a Salmonella outbreak on lettuce -NEVER eats Salad again! *Reads about the dangers of Alcohol poisoning -NEVER reads again!
@misfarber: *rearranges underwear drawer* Neighbor: the party's downstairs. Please get out of my room
@librarianfonz: An idea only achieves transcendence after it is: 1. Published as book 2. Made into a feature film 3. Turned into an amusement park ride
@Brampersandon_: [leaving a party] HOST (holding 2 identical coats): which is urs ME: does 1 have a corn dog in its pocket H: ya M (suspiciously): mine had 2