Tired of being single? Just lower your standards a bit. My new girlfriend is a coconut taped to a mop.
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calling dibs, but dibs never calls me back 🙁
My wife and I decided not to have kids. The kids are taking it pretty hard.
Of course, turn the volume all the way up on your terrible, terrible music. Why should you suffer alone?
You can learn a lot about your kids by simply turning off the TV and talking. For example I discovered that mine are really boring.
[first day as a microbiologist]
me: my god… i’ve never seen a strain like this
boss: [through toilet stall] GET OUT
👾👾👾
Billboard just announced the song of the summer. It’s the sound of your spouse chewing.
I just pulled two buckets that were stuck together apart by myself, so someone might want to let the guy that recruits Avengers know.
Parenthood can have it’s dark moments.
Like in this closet where I’m hiding eating my cake.
Steve Buscemi is the only reported case of the saying “If you keep making that face, it’s going to get stuck that way” being true.
“ok start it up”
tktktk-puh-buurup-chk-a-chk
“give it some gas”
ss-ss-icka-icka-grrawh-pshhhh
any ideas?
“I can’t hear over you beatboxing”
When I say, “No problem,” I mean, “YOU REMEMBER THIS FAVOR FOREVER.”
Watching my second grader type is like watching paint dry while also watching grass grow all while watching a pot boil.
My “snooze” button should just be called the “nope, no yoga today” button.
They didn’t ghost you. Their spouse found out.
{In class}
ME: Uggh! When will I ever even need to know this?!PRENATAL INSTRUCTOR: Again, when your wife has the baby.
i liked her. i wifed her. 🤎
Chef: And then you just cover it with gravy and cheese
Me: Don’t stop, you’re poutine me in the mood
9: I noticed there is bacon in the fridge
Me: yes
9: you gonna cook it?
Me: yes
9: I love you
Me: I know
god: rabbits
angel: cute. wait, wh-what are they doing
god: ya they do that
angel: they’re multiplying
god: they’ll slow down
angel: they aren’t slowing down
god: holy shit
angel: they won’t stOP FU
[ next day ]
god: porcupines
Cat: *purr*
Me: Good morning!
Cat: *headbutts me* *purr*
Me: Aren’t you the sweetest thing!
Cat: *kneads me* *purr*
Me: Yes, I love you too!
Cat: *plots my gruesome death* *purr*
I’m sorry, I didn’t hear one word after you said, “pie chart”
[playing flight simulator]
this is your captain speaking: the alcohol is now free and we’re landing in a volcano
toddler parkour is trying to find the slowest and most elaborate route to get anywhere
Overheard at work:
Mom to her little daughter: “what’s that in your hair? Is that a piece of chicken nugget??”
Little girl, very excitedly: “YEAH!”
BREAKING NEWS:
Sting has been kidnapped.The Police have no lead.
When I hear someone say, “chicken pot pie,” I get excited three times.
Neighbor just yelled at me for playing in his sprinkler.
Note to self, I should wear clothes next time.
My Nissan uncomfortably seats 7 if any group of people wants to take an intimate road trip
*working out*
this is so much worse than i thought