Tired of being single? Just lower your standards a bit. My new girlfriend is a coconut taped to a mop.
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“Stomach…Lungs…Kidneys….Heart.” –
Me, at my organ recital.(Not even slightly sorry)
A lot of birthdays in November. It’s as if there’s some kind of romantic peak in or around mid-February.
When I hear the phrase “Freudian slip” I immediately imagine Sigmund in a revealing, yet tasteful nightgown. That can’t be healthy.
4-year-old: Can I have some water?
Me: Any more water & you could have an accident while sleeping.
4: Ok, then some juice should be fine.
Caution: Cutting corners may lead to extra corners.
Panty-less waxed woman hanging off a bridge “I’m gonna jump into that canoe”. Me: “No that’s your reflection”.
me: [trying to be cool af at the bar] gimme a beer
bartender: what kind
me: the…the drinking kind
*wakes up the guy next to me* wow theres a sleepy boy here on this plane haha. Im on business myself. tryin to see if iceland is made of ice
If you’re giving me directions and you say, “Head north,” I’m going to think you mean toward the sky.
surgeon 1: open mike night tonight
surgeon 2: hope you don’t bomb like last time
surgeon 1: haha
surgeon 2: haha
Mike: what
IRONMAN 3 SPOILER ALERT: Tony’s all “pffsh whatever I’m Ironman” then he’s all “JARVIS HELP” then he’s sad but then it’s like whaaaaat.
Plot twist:
“Luke, I am your Mother.” – Yoda
told my kid to sign my boyfriend’s birthday card
My suspicious mole cancelled my appointment with a dermatologist.
I choose my underwear for the day based on how likely I am to have sex.
Today I’m wearing a used grocery bag I found floating across the highway.
Of all the bad habits I’ve taught my kids, reassembling Club wrappers so they look like there is still a chocolate biscuit inside is the one that’s come back to bite me the fastest so far.
[first day as a server]
guy: “can i order something off-menu?”
me: “well, that is how menus work sir”
SIRI: Turn left in 100 feet
ME: [drives past turn]
SIRI: [exhales loudly in exasperation]
I don’t know who this Rorschach guy is, but he sure likes drawing pictures of my parents not being proud of me!
13: Mom, you look younger every day.
M: What do you want?
13: A new skateboard.
M: How young?
13: 29
M: Done.
Cows are vegetarians too, but you won’t hear them bragging about it on Twitter.
GOD: I call them Water Buffalo
ANGEL: But they live on land
GOD: Yep
ANGEL:
GOD:
ANGEL: u really dont care anymore do u
GOD: Not a bit
my mom: curfew’s 9:00
me: please mom i’m in a gang now
my mom:
me: how about 9:15
[my first attempt at standup]
ME: So, I was at the gym the other day…
MY STALKER (from the back): lol no you weren’t
I’ve been training my family to be future Survivor contestants. If you can find food in my house, you can make it anywhere.
I can’t be the only one worried about where spiders go in winter.
[First Date]
Him: So many choices. Would you like to split 2 sandwiches and each have half?
Me: Sure.
Him: BLT, please.
Me: Same.
Namaste
my kid said her friend was ‘absinthe’ from class today and I’m wondering if should inform their parents