Boss: I’ve been told one of you is just a robot car in disguise
*everyone stares at me, even Optimus who is drinking oil instead of coffee*
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You dance like nobody is watching. I eat like that.
“Are you the branch manager?”
“Yes I am, how can I help you?”
“I would like two branches, please.”
“How would you like that?”
“Two big sticks, four little sticks.”
Mocking commerce students is all fun and games until you realise you have no financial knowledge and you make arguments like “uBeR hAS a nEt WoRtH oF 100B$”.
just like to remind everyone that if you wear a stylish belt with your bathrobe it becomes a dress
[1st day as undercover cop]
*approaches drugdealer*
Me: “Yes hello I’d like to purchase one crack and two marijuanas please!”
*gets stabbed*
I’m getting really irritated. This is the tenth ATM I’ve been to in the last week that’s had “insufficient funds”.
[seeing a gumball machine full of bees]
give me a quarter
My dad had a weird sense of humor. When I was 5, I tried to “dig a hole to China.” The next day when I went back to dig more, there were egg rolls in the hole
Spotted in New Orleans.
{During Mass}
Priest: Can someone please check on the woman screaming the rosary in the confessional booth?
5YO: Daddy, did you play Roblox as a kid?
8YO: *Interrupting* He didn’t have Roblox when he was kid. He would just play outside.
*Both start laughing*
Today I am thankful that I can still move faster than the huge spider that was in my kitchen sink a few minutes ago.
If I ask “Where’s the remote?” & you say “Next to the TV,” you get a punch in the throat becuz THAT’S THE OPPOSITE OF WHY WE HAVE A REMOTE.
sorry i’m still an undecided voter, but it’s hard to pick just one when I love them both so very very much
INTERVIEWER: why did you leave your last job?
ME: they stopped putting Kit Kats in the break room vending machine
Gandalf: A wizard is never late, nor is he early; he arrives precisely when he means to.
Mrs Gandalf: *glares into the camera*
FINANCIAL ADVISOR: What’s your net worth?
FISHERMAN: Which one?
I haven’t had a good nights sleep since I started wondering what holds up those blocks in Mario.
*puts to and to together*
*blesses the rains down in Africa*
What if deer stare at our headlights because they’re trying to use the force to stop the car and when one actually stops their deer squad is in the woods watching and just losing their minds over it
me [after tossing your baby a piece of cheese] A dog would have caught it
My uncle told me the other day that the world is in a really crazy place when Twitter seems more logical than the general public so congrats y’all are considered the most sane people on the planet by at least one person
A reality show where chefs deconstruct recipes and IKEA customers put them back together
The clean up after sex is definitely no small task but the confetti cannons and balloon drop make it all worth it.
Sorry I booped your nose when you said that you loved me.
If my wife comes to bed nude it’s ON, but when it’s me at the end of the bed naked she’s all “what are you doin, we’re at Mattress City.”
In bed a woman called me daddy so I called her son
Executioner: Before we do this, what would you like for your last meal?
“I’ll have a panda please”
[judge, under his breath] Can he do that?
Westboro Baptist Church Founder Fred Phelps Dies At 84.Who wants to protest a funeral?