Tired of not knowing if I should swipe my credit card, insert the chip or punch myself in the face.
You Might Also Like
My 4yo just came into the living room, crying, “I don’t want Santa to see me when I poo.”
“Ok, guys, before you start calling me a pervert, let me just say I found a great source of protein.” — The first guy who ever milked a cow.
The worst time to need sneeze is when you’re driving. The worst time to need to pee it when you’re driving and need to sneeze.
Movie Exec: Give me 3 realistic ideas or you’re fired
Me: A rat becomes a chef
Movie Exec: ok
Me: A dog plays basketball
Movie Exec: Good
Me: A main character has a bottom row locker at school
Movie Exec: Get out
Me: Why did you need to buy a dehumidifier can’t you just put out humidifier in reverse?
Husband: *eye twitches*
“What attracted you to our company?”
Well, I heard you pay money in exchange for work
Eating just one animal cracker is impossible. The entire herd must go.
completely misunderstood pride month. who wants to buy 15 lions
My daughter forgot her gym uniform at home. When I arrived at her school to drop it off, I realized I also forgot the uniform.
I see where she gets it from.
If your name is Candy you shouldn’t be allowed to work at a weight loss clinic. It just seems cruel.
My 3-yr-old just found a moldy hot dog in the sofa cushions and ate it.
I know I should be horrified, but I’m actually relieved because now I don’t have to make her supper.
I need to make my kids understand that I’m not staff, I’m management.
“I need a woman like you in my life”
Aww thanks, I hope you find her lol
Wife: You guys never eat the food before it goes bad!
Also my wife: *buys 40lbs of grapes because they’re on sale*
If you think walking on eggshells is bad, try chewing them.
Donald Trump has Muslim friends, Rick Santorum has gay friends, Ted Cruz has imaginary friends. #GOPDebate
WRITER: It’s a kids movie about a woman trying to kill & skin a puppy.
PRODUCER: That’s horrific!
W: What if it was 101 puppies?
P:…Go on
Twitter is like a very demented game of The Sims. Everyday I check to see how my people are doing and make sure they’re still alive.
A Quiet Place was the WRONG movie to sneak kettle chips into.
Twitter’s original name was “Sentence Contest”
Wouldn’t it be WAY weirder if Taylor Swift DIDN’T get all excited at her boyfriend’s games? Like, what if she just sat there, stone-faced?
‘I’ll cut a bitch.’
– veterinarian explaining his spaying procedure
My ex wife’s husband is a pretty cool guy. I’m looking forward to the day she ruins his life so we can talk about what a bitch she is.
Me [sending a text to my mom meant for my bestie]: can’t, doing hot girl shit
Mom [after 20 min of typing]: Honey, have you prayed about this?
During sex
Me: Go deeper
Him: *Stares in the horizon* Imagine living in a world without wars
Cutting the mail slot in my door bigger to fit a pizza box.
Important question of the day:
Are centaurs technically insects?
They’ve got a sort of segmented body and have six limbs so…
[on deathbed – calls for son]
“…..if you highlight the shit out of a document, people will think you read it…..”
My mom- I need you to fix my email
Me- What’s your email address?
My mom- Verizon