@TheMichaelRock: Tis the season to kidnap a tree, hold it hostage, keep it from its family during the holidays, then leave it for dead.
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@squirrel74wkgn: [at Doctor's office] "When's the last time you had sex?" Last night. "With a male or female?" Oh...with another person?
@daemonic3: WIFE: Don't embarrass me in front of my boss, he's colorblind ME: Duh [later at party] ME: [to boss] So when did you learn Colorbraille?
@trevso_electric: Leave a Post-It on your girlfriend's birth control that says, "guess u don't want 2 have my babies haha."
@ShutUpThatsWho: [first date] OK don't let her know you're a snail Waiter: Would you like some salt? [flips table over] OH HELL NO [bolts out real slowly]