@TheMichaelRock: Tis the season to kidnap a tree, hold it hostage, keep it from its family during the holidays, then leave it for dead.
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@tastefactory: DOCTOR: We were all out of blood for your transfusion so we used Mountain Dew ME: [I don't hear bc I already snowboarded out the window]
@RxitWounds: POLICE! OPEN THE DOOR! What's the magic word? [Cut to them back at the station staring at a chalkboard with dozens of words crossed off]
@BareChesty: I think my dog just OD'd on lightening bugs. I didn't even know that was a thing. Please teach your pets about bug addiction
@beefman138: Me : Here, I made you a 'Best Hits of 2017' CD. Wife : This is an unopened blank CD-R. Me : Correct.