I dipped my toe into social media in 2015. I should have severed that toe.
You Might Also Like
ME: [pointing at grave] What about that one?
GRAVE-DIGGER: Yep, love it
Today marks a five year anniversary of how I’ll start going to the gym tomorrow.
I enjoy long walks on the beach and that thing you just did with that banana.
Mosquitoes use a numbing agent so we feel no pain from their bites. This is one easy way to tell if you were bitten by a mosquito or a shark
I don’t use chocolate chip cookies to solve my problems, only treat the symptoms.
The parent-teacher conference is going great. They have no idea I’m not the teacher.
Me: Do you remember when I told you-
Husband: No.
mother in law: [eyes turn black and pukes all over me] I’ll eat your soul
wife: oh my god she’s possessed
me: you sure? I mean you know her better but
While I was relaxing having my wine my toddler threw a piece of cheese straight at my face and said, “gotcha.”
A lot of people get scared when they watch movies. Not me. I know the lion at the start is just a logo.
Them: What inspires you to get up every day and get out of bed?
Me: My bladder mostly.
Right now Netflix is trying to figure out how 6 million people watched birdbox this weekend with only 22 active accounts
I accidentally bought organic milk instead of regular and now my family is so broke we are forced to live in a shack and make clothes out of recycled hair.
Told my son I needed some non talking time while I drank my coffee so instead he sat next to me and hummed the godzilla theme.
Hell hath no fury like a toddler wants to “do it herself.”
Three hours later, I’m still waiting for her to get out of the car.
nobody
literally nobody
my mom to our uber driver: so tell me all about yourself
Sorry my armpits are so sweaty, I had to say my name and title on a conference call.
Freak parents out on Facebook by posting, “Just read a health article about how a camera flash causes diabetes in kids under the age of 10.”
Boss said no more sock puppets during zoom meetings.
She thinks she funny #IfMyFriendsTitledMyLifeStory
ME: [getting pistol whipped] hey everyone, look at this idiot who thinks his gun is a whip
“Have you seen my thumb ring?”
~ my proctologist
Plot twist-
Maury is the father.
What scares me most about being stranded on a desert island is having to figure out how to make all the ingredients for nachos from scratch.
How many minutes after someone’s fired is it cool to take their stapler?
After a long journey Frodo and Sam arrive to return the One Ring to the fires of Mt. Doom
Frodo: Dude dont be mad, but I forgot the receipt
Doc: “Your arm is broken. I’ll put you in a cast for a while and it’ll recover.”
Me: “Ok, but I don’t get how being in a movie will help.”
“We’re not buying another toy until Mommy gets laid!” might not be the most appropriate thing to yell in ToysRUs.
“I love the Fall, the trees are so pretty”
It’s fall??
“Ya, so what?”
[leaves start attacking everyone]
OMG THE LEAVES HAVE TURNED
*Makes a meal plan for the week*
*Eats sandwiches every day instead because nobody tells me what to do*