Play Nickleback during my funeral. Because I want everyone who attends to really cry.
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The guy I paid to pave my driveway hasn’t shown up in two weeks.
I’m not worried tho. I’m sure he’ll resurface one day.
Where would we be without behavioral economics to deliver us such scorching insights as “try to make an appealing profile” and “swipe right on guys you like.”
Home Alone teaches us that a child can’t pack a suitcase but can create a fully functional flame thrower to harm a small New Jersey man.
[hotel]
me: do you offer turndown service
concierge: sorry no
me: thank you
I hate it when I’m on twitter & there isn’t a car behind me to honk when the light is green.
Anytime I am searching the stock room at work and a coworker asks “Looking for something?” I jump out of my skin, and its not from them sneaking up on me, it’s b/c that’s what villains says when they have something you need, or they’ve caught you trying to escape their evil lair
Superman: this is my dog Krypto, he has all the same powers as me
Louis Lane: even x-ray vision?
[Krypto stares intently at Lois]
Superman: oh god he sees your bones run
8: *gives me a pen*
Me: *takes it*
8: thanks! I found it in the urinal!
“Alright they’ve left for vacation lets rob em”
Oh shoot their porch lights are on
“So what we literally watched them leave”
Rules are rules
♫ Hey there Delilah, this is dispatch please come quickly
There’s a robbery in progress
Suspect is white & in his 50s
And high on gluuue ♫
wow just finished my high intensity daily workout (taking all the cups from my room back down to the kitchen) and i’m feeling that burn. no excuses guys train hard go hard be Hard
My camera roll is 25% my kids and 75% things I couldn’t read and had to make bigger.
Grey’s Anatomy is actually one of the best existential horror artworks ever made. It chronicles the 20 year desperation of a single woman – Miranda Bailey – to get her coworkers to stop ***king and killing themselves for long enough to save anyone’s life. She never wins.
I knew my ex gf was going to dump me so i set up a profile called “Add Profile” on her Netflix account and 3 yrs later i’m still watching
[harry potter at an interview]
interviewer: it says here you found & destroyed seven horcuxes
harry: that’s correct, sir
interviewer: but no experience creating a powerpoint presentation, wow
friend: make her feel wanted
me: okay
[later]
me: *tossing photo at table of bounty hunters* this is your target
God made humans, but only because there wasn’t anything good to watch on TV.
[giant alien cracking open the earth like a hard boiled egg]
ugh, overcooked
Quote of the Day: “Life is but thought.” – Sara Teasdale
Me before socializing: “Don’t act crazy, don’t act crazy, don’t act crazy.”
Crazy: “Aaaaand ACTION!”
Daughter: I want some of your coffee!!!
Me: Not if you ask like that! Grumpy girls don’t get coffee.
Husband: *from the other room* OH, is that so!?
I attribute my average intelligence to a balanced childhood diet of Smarties & Dum Dums.
pros and cons of being the last person alive on earth, according to my 8 year old:
con: loneliness
pro: every dog on the planet now belongs to you
I’m dressing for the weather I desperately want, not the weather I currently have.
That’s enough internet for the day
Sunflower seeds: For when you want to have a snack while pretending you’re a cockatiel.
Sure I wish I had focused more on my finances, but back then who knew money would catch on.
I want a man that loves to play video games, loves to watch sports, loves to hang out with his friends, loves to spend time with his family, loves to read, has a full time job, and who enjoys having time to himself. Basically, I need someone who will leave me alone constantly.
Girls don’t want boys they want birds and squirrels and mice to help them get dressed for fancy balls.
Marriage vows should include “I will be super annoyed with you any time you come down with a cold”