Titanic, but with literally thousands of cats.
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You know shit’s about to get real when I put on yoga pants before dessert.
1st wise man: I brought gold for the baby
2nd wise man: [hiding frankincense behind his back] actually that gold is from both of us
I forgot why I was retracing my steps so I gave up and re-retraced them back to bed.
MANAGER: Great news guys, I finally got us a gig
BAND: Thank God! Finally!
MANAGER: *installing RAM* Yeah it’ll make this PC way faster
wow just finished my high intensity daily workout (taking all the cups from my room back down to the kitchen) and i’m feeling that burn. no excuses guys train hard go hard be Hard
Life hack:
When a police officer is asking you to touch your index finger to your nose, pretend your nose is a snooze button at 5AM.
Friday night plans
*break into plastic surgeon’s office
*put goldfish in the silicone implants
*sneak away undetected
*giggle like a maniac
Pretty telling how high and mighty my mother has become since she no longer needs help setting the VCR clock.
No
one
yums like Gaston
Eats iced plums like Gaston
Knows you saved them but craves them, succumbs like Gaston
Did my fruit just move?
Pear-anormal activity
Sci-fi is when Benedict Cumberbatch looks like this and fantasy is when Benedict Cumberbatch looks like this
And in other news, a unicorn attack leaves 12 dead, 42 injured, 6 pretty rainbows
If you want to know what you really look like hand your phone to a 5-year-old to take a picture.
“Getting fat” is absolutely a legitimate response to “what have you been up to?”
*slips seductively out of shorts*
You know what that means…
*sleeps soundly for 7 hours*
*drools a little*
Nothing good ever comes after: “I’m not trying to be creepy, but…”
My kids persuaded me to buy Peppa Pig pasta shapes, and tonight I’ll be testing their understanding of irony by making them bacon pasta for dinner.
When people are making out in public make things even more awkward by applying chapstick and announcing you’re next
Me: I lost 3 pounds!
Domino’s: I found them for you.
6: Why are we at the vet?
Me: So our pig can’t have babies
6: How do you know she doesn’t want babies?
Me:*looks at my kids* Just a hunch
I drank half a bottle of NyQuil and tried to call Audrey Hepburn on my microwave
How many times do you have to click “I accept cookies” before they send you the cookies?
90’s style insults need to come back.
Been itching to tell someone they need to go to the clue store to get one.
Me: Look to my left.
Friend: We’re facing the same way. Why don’t you say our left?
Me: I don’t like to share.
*Last Will & Testament
And to my children, I leave this pile of paper scraps with ingredients written on them, but not any measurements or the name of the recipe those ingredients are supposed to make.
Thinking outside the box.. 😅
me: wow, first you drew me a bath, now breakfast?
wife: you deserve this
me: and the toaster is steady on the edge of the tub like that?
wife: we’ll find out
WIFE: You’re not going to the costume party dressed like that!
ME: DONALD DUCK DOESN’T WEAR PANTS, BRENDA!!