*after five days of storms with record rainfall remembers to turn off sprinkler system*
*grass dies due to lack of water*
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Happy Halloween 🎃
Missing those days when “hemorrhoids” was just a challenging word to spell.
Pro debating tip:
Shave one eyebrow and draw a new one really high.
Don’t just argue the point, continue the argument long after it’s over. Hold your ground. If they’re dead, don’t let them pull evasive maneuvers like that. Go to the cemetery, and yell at their tombstone.
Just said “shitted feet” instead of fitted sheet in front of my my son and four of his friends.
If you need me, I’ll be in the closet
“When i bump into an old friend, but we can’t remember our names”
Meat Cute
SPOILER ALERT for “Finding Bigfoot” TV show – they don’t find him. Again.
5 year old: can we just have dessert for dinner tonight? I’m asking you first because you make great decisions.
I’m a big Kate Bush fan, and thanks to her I’ve just discovered a fascinating historical drama series called Stranger Things, all about youngsters in America a long time ago.
If you are what you eat I’m a small family of ladybugs 🙂
Running Up That Hill by Kate Bush plays as the camera pans to me chasing an ice cream truck in my flip flops.
Me: (goes back in time to kill baby Hitler)
Hitler: Goo goo ga ga
Me: I can’t do it(goes ahead in time to when he’s a teenager)
Hitler: Nice haircut granddad
Me: *cocks gun*
When someone says we can do something “weather permitting” I remind them that weather’s not the boss of me. Snow or no snow, I’m not going.
My parents are cruel. They used to give me pocket money but would also buy me clothes with no pockets.
me: [nervously] how often do these things crash
flight attendant: just once usually
[enter password]
ForrestGump
[password not strong enough]
ForrestGumpAfterHeGrewThatSweetBeard
5YO: Daddy, did you play Roblox as a kid?
8YO: *Interrupting* He didn’t have Roblox when he was kid. He would just play outside.
*Both start laughing*
When asked my theory on Amelia Earhart’s disappearance I said “maybe she went black” and now I don’t have to help with homework
My spirit animal is this 9 yo, so calm and polite during girl sleepover drama, who just told me “literally, nothing is interesting to me”.
A 5-year-old just asked me if I’d ever heard of algae. You bet I have you little weirdo!
I called a chai latte a “chatte,” and my husband laughed and said that was “actually funny,” and it’s nice to have him finally recognize my genius.
Restaurant Customer: clarified butter please
Waiter: (points to butter) THIS IS BUTTER
processed food was literally designed for you to eat. organic is just some crap they found on the ground somewhere
Doctor *as I wake up after an accident* I’m afraid your body’s in a terrible condition
Me: oh no
Doctor: and then you were in an accident
I am not a parody account. I am The Lord thy God, King of the Universe, and I am communicating by Twitter because My fax is broken.
*Me getting pulled over*
Me:license and registration please?
Guy police officer :I pulled u over..
Me:do u really want to argue with me?
me: hey, you wanna get outta here?
museum guide: lady, i already told you they don’t come alive at night. please get away from the david statue
Why do they call it the good book and not the almighty wrighty?
No one rushes to view your WhatsApp status like people who have their read receipt off.