Titanic is my favorite movie about how to get rid of your boyfriend and make it look like an accident.
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This cat wants you to take your pills
Him: Do you want to watch a little TV?
Me: No. I want you to buy me a big one.
When I find myself in times of trouble, I think of Lady Catherine de Bourgh, and endeavor to conduct myself in such a way that would meet with her severe disapproval.
Sorry, the dog stood on my keyboard and liked that Instagram photo of you from 47 weeks ago.
sistine chapel
Don’t be shallow and marry someone just for their looks. Make sure they have money.
I ain’t never seen a alligator so happy to be getting a toothbrush bath 😭
“We’re not buying another toy until Mommy gets laid!” might not be the most appropriate thing to yell in ToysRUs.
COP: any drugs in the car
ME: no
COP: lol nerd
I held up a fist for a CW to bump and she kissed my ring. I am now drunk on power and no one is allowed to make eye contact.
They built a huge, ugly thought-control tower right next to my house but actually I love it so much
Hey everyone, I’m ABSOLUTELY obsessed with this new web series I’ve been marathoning where I non-stop refresh a worldwide coronavirus counter
Anyone wanna buy 7 gently used pies?
me: well it’s technically the bride of frankenstein’s monster
hostage negotiator: we should get back on topic
If a woman expects you to open the door for her, it’s a massive red flag. Never date a girl who doesn’t know how to work a knob.
– First day of College
– Dorm meetingDorm monitor: Any questions guys?
Me: *from the back* WHICH DRAWER IS FOR OUR BLANKIES??
Me: I will not be tricked into buying stuff I don’t need.
Ad: Buy 4, get one free.
Me: I’ll take 10 then.
At my age, a new driver’s license doesn’t have an Expires On date. It has a Renew If You Haven’t Expired On date.
I just switched my phone to airplane mode and a small child appeared and started kicking me in the back.
If you speak like Fat Albert throughout the entire exam, doctors will prescribe whatever you want.
Our family summer boat trips haven’t been the same since grandad died & demanded we bury him at sea. In the boat.
restaurant manager: how is everything tasting?
me: [nibbling on candlestick] delicious
Hell is probably just thousands of tourists trying to take pictures of you walking a cat.
If a rookie ever pulls a gun on me and says “stop or I’ll shoot” I‘ll simply smirk and say “not with the safety on”, causing him to check and giving me the time I need to grab a gun, put on a bullet proof vest, do some elite training/conditioning, fire off some practice rounds,
Told my sister I had to buy rice krispy treats cause I’m snack mom for my daughter’s game and she said why don’t you just make them and I said I’m sorry you have the wrong number and hung up on her.
My New Years resolution is to be more of an enabler, like yes girl text your ex
If the Earth was really flat, all the cats would have pushed everything off it by now.
GROUND CONTROL: Oh goddamit, it looks like Major Tom is going to sing through this whole mission. Pull the circuit.
MAJOR TOM: 🎶 the circuit’s dead, there’s something wrong
I have 2 speeds- the slow southern girl sashay and the is that the ice cream truck outside?
My son (4 years old), who has grown up watching us talk to Siri and Alexa, thinks you can talk to anything that has a screen or is plugged into the wall. This morning he told the toaster to order him a new lego set.