I think Grandma enjoyed giving everyone the wrong impression saying her friend Iris died by the needle when she was actually stabbed during knitting club.
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I can’t wait for my mom to come to my new house so she can tell me how I organized the kitchen wrong.
*takes off sunglasses*
Me: Okay, weigh me now.
Talking scales: *sigh* You weigh the same but look a lot less cool.
It only takes a few hours on a road trip for me to regret bringing more humans with me.
My Daughter wants a Cinderella-themed party, so I invited all her friends over and made them clean my house.
The “Beware of Cat” sign posted outside my house doesn’t seem to be having the desired affect.
me: are there really aliens at area 51
pentagon official: that’s confidential
me: then how’d i hear about it
[Opens a beer at the park]
“Dude. There’s kids here.”
Oh shit how rude of me. [turns] IF YOU KIDS WANT SOME BEERS THEYRE IN THE COOLER
Being an adult is like being in a Quentin Tarantino movie. It starts off real cool, there’s a lot of cussing, it’s very confusing, everyone dies.
idk about you but I still remember what I was doing when I found out Kennedy had been shot: sitting at home, reading the JFK Wikipedia page
AC changed “dies slow death” to “does slow death” and that actually feels more on point
Met Office warns snow could cut off rural communities from the rest of the UK, coming as huge relief to people living in rural communities.
[phone rings]
“Hello?”
Hi, is your refrigerator running?
“WTF?”
…well Hillary is! Hi, I’d like to talk to you about the Clinton campaign.
Him: Do you swallow?
Me: Every time I chew.
Depressed? Try changing your bedding. Cedar chips are for guinea pigs & may not be right for you
Note to the 82 year old widow who won the Powerball jackpot last night:
Sup, girl?
I heard someone say they were happy just to be upright and I thought that was weird because lying down is amazing.
The best part of a Dolly Parton presidency would be the Dolly Pardons.
One night in college, my roommate got super drunk pretty quickly and ended up getting sick. We handed her a trashcan, with trash already in it. She puked a few times and started crying, and then looked in the can and yelled, OMG I THREW UP A FORK?!
When I try to follow a YouTube natural makeup tutorial.
“my god, that man is trying to snatch her purse!”
i’ll be RIGHT back
*ducks into phone booth**pops head out 5 mins later*
is he gone yet
“let’s put computers and keyboards in our cars. now let’s go catch all the people typing on tiny keyboards in their cars” – cops
Wouldn’t it have made more sense if Al Gore claimed he invented the Algorithm?
I self medicate, therefore you live.
My main goal in life is to become a cooking show judge
Mostly because I like to criticize people while I eat
Good Cop: just give us one name, and we can protect you
Passive Agressive Email Cop: Thank you in advance
Cheerleaders are there to tell you that your team needs to score more points & the name of your team in case you forget at any given moment
my tamagotchi never lived more than 24 hours at a time sure i’ll hold your baby.
Ugh don’t you hate it when you accidentally leave the volume up on your phone & the next stall hears the *click* when you snapchat your turd
I have no idea how to clean a cheese grater. Usually I just end up grating a sponge