[pearly gates]
ME: whoa
JESUS: sup bro! Welcome
M: have you… always had a-
J: falcon head? Lol yep come on in let’s weigh that heart
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hey (with the intention of telling Jude not to make it bad)
“What’s the worst that can happen?”
Buddy I’ve got anxiety, I’ll make you a list
Just read a few inspirational tweets about courage and confidence and GUESS WHO IS GOING TO ROB A BANK TONIGHT?!!
My fortune cookie message read :
“You appeal to a small, select group
of confused people” ….Uh huh ….
[quarantine routine]
7am: woke up
8am: fell out of bed
9am: dragged a comb across my head
10am: found my way downstairs and drank a cup
11am: looking up I noticed I was late
12pm: found my coat and grabbed my hat
1pm: made tiktoks with my cat
My husband and I are having a Fitbit competition, so every day when he leaves for work I attach mine to our dog. I’m averaging 25,438 steps a day.
[Safari hunt]
(Ok don’t tell them I’m an elephant)
*Adjusts hat and shades*
“Elephant?. Yes that way.”
*Points with trunk*
Kid bunny: why do humans think we lay eggs?
Dad bunny: i think it’s time we have “The Talk.”
Kid bunny: ok
Dad bunny: *leaning in to whisper* humans are idiots
Me: I could never be a lawyer. Too many details to remember
Also me: [argument w/bf] I’d like to bring the defendant’s attention to Argument Transcript B: article 5, section 2; subsection 2(c) CLEARLY shows defendant made the waitress laugh, THRICE, at dinner last Saturday night
I told my therapist that I’m a whore. He disagreed and said I’m a people pleaser, so I blew him just to make sure we’re on the same page.
[clenching fists] “I’ll fight someone”
Waiter: For the last time sir, ‘cheese plate’ describes the items on the plate not the plate itself
Guys invented poker as an excuse to stare into each other’s eyes.
If you don’t pay your exorcist
You get repossessed
I feel bad for the children of Vegans because no one gets found when their picture’s on the back of unsweetened organic almond milk.
People who argue in public, would it kill you to enunciate and give a little backstory?
God: *creates sunset*
Angel: That’s beautiful. What purpose does it solve?
God: *creating Instagram* You’ll see.
[Bath & Body Works]
Me: I need a bottle of body lotion for my wife.
S: These are Buy 3 Get 1 Free.
Me: I just need this one here
S: That’s not Buy 3 Get 1 but it IS Buy 1 Get 2 and if you buy this one here it’s Buy 2 Get 3 Free.
Me [leaving with 300 bottles]: how did this happen
i named my son “max” after hbo max, what am i gonna tell him in five years? it’s been hard enough already with his sister quibi
I noticed the trim on one of our garage doors was hanging weirdly. I figured no big deal as these are pretty old garage doors so I started to fix it…
5 yo: Mommy did that.
Me: Did what?
5 yo: She hit that with her car.
Me: Wow bro. Sold out your own mother.
YOUTH 1: lol
YOUTH 2: wtf
YOUTH 1: lmao
YOUTH 2: ikr
ME [trying to fit in]: obgyn
once i get some clearasil, it’s over for you blotches
I have 7 TV controllers on my coffee table. All are decoys.
The real controller stays on my person at all times.
[during sex]
him: Im so sorry. This literally never happens
[takes out telescope to watch comet]
As I move away from the hometown that’s nurtured and protected me ever since I was 9 years old, I fondly wave goodbye to the place that saw me grow from a 50 pound weakling in to a 250 pound weakling.
A sweet potato is just a regular potato that thinks that dress of yours is to die for
When faced with a dilemma, I just whisper softly to myself
” What would Homer Simpson do?”
honestly it’s up to you whether or not you refer to it as the Last Supper or the First Murder Mystery Dinner
I’ve got all my ducks in a row but these chickens have no concept of symmetry.
YUCKING OTHER PEOPLE’S YUM IS VERY UNBECOMING
I take back everything bad I’ve ever said about the Welsh