[Titantic sinks]
Jack: wanna share that door so I don’t die?
Rose: [door lock noise]
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Why are ghosts always just moaning? Did your manners die too? Use your words!
Good news everyone, the priest who took my confession is expected to make a full recovery
I think I read my job description wrong because the senior analyst didn’t appreciate this comprehensive report on my coworkers lunch routines
Nobody:
Me to my alien: so basically you make a dinner the kids say they like and then they cry because they don’t like that food anymore
Little Red Riding Hood is my favorite story about an idiot who can’t tell the difference between a human and a wolf.
Aquarius: Someone will hack into your dating profile, but won’t touch a thing because they think you’ve already been hacked. You haven’t.
Doesn’t eat all day cause jeans shopping later.
Girl: Saying hot is disrespectful. You should say ‘beautiful’ instead.
Me: Ok.
Me: Can you please pass the beautiful sauce?
So apparently if your iPhone tries to electrocute you, Apple support doesn’t know what to do except say “oh that’s a problem” and pass you up the support chain until you reach the person who feels comfortable putting you on hold for a year. It’s fine. I have all night. 🤯
Explain it to me like I’m five then do it for me like I’m one hundred.
What they don’t tell you about bathing in the blood of your enemies is your body hair is a light magenta for like the next 3 or 4 days. Ugh.
2020 feels like trying to jog while both of your feet are asleep.
*wakes up screaming*
Wife: What happened??
Me: I had a dream that I’m jogging and a leopard wearing clown makeup with wings just flew out of a cave and attacked me.
Wife: Silly that’s impossible.
Me: The flying leopard part?
Wife: No, the part about you jogging.
Work tip: if you’re going to ask your boss if you can “work from home”, don’t use air quotes.
When someone you don’t like is eating them, chips sound like 1000 asteroids smashing into the polar ice caps.
Death is not the end.
You still have to dispose of the body and hide the evidence.
Age is a hoax perpetuated by Big Birthday Card to keep us from giving the same card every year.
I’ve been looking for F35 on my keyboard for over an hour, I give up.
Psychic: This card means you will become a king with a lot of diamonds.
Me: Aren’t these supposed to be tarot cards?
Psychic: This card means you will get out of jail free.
waiter: wine?
date: I don’t drink
waiter: water?
me: she said she doesn’t drink pal
When people got too hammered in the 70s:
“He’ll be alright, just needs to drive it off”
My kid is refusing to go to bed until 10, so to pass the time he’s going to lie down in bed and wait…until 10
I started a book club. A coloring book club. There’s a line to get in. We’re never on the same page. Nothing’s black & white. We’re well red
i will not order eggs in a restaurant unless the chef personally lays them
When I’m at a restaurant and see ‘secret sauce’ on the menu, I immediately tell the people at the table next to me
[ spelling bee ]
judge: your word is feeling
me: can you use it in a sentence
judge: how are you feeling
me: ok
judge: wrong
As soon as I walk in, I can feel every woman at the gym dressing me with their eyes.
The one thing I think most parents need to realize is, there’s absolutely no secrets that your child doesn’t share about you in the classroom.
I told a 5th grader during the school costume parade that I liked her Beetlejuice costume and she said she liked mine too but I’m not wearing one. Today she made a very mediocre enemy.
Friend: What do you get when you cross a dog with a rose? A Collie flower!
Me: Choose how you want to die.