@figgled: [to a straight couple]
Which one is the lesbian and which one is the other lesbian
@Shen_the_Bird: A lot of people don't know this but if you pull the stick out of a corndog, it'll explode like a grenade
@Ooft_Headshot: Toy Story has resulted in me not being able to throw away my childhood toys in case they get depressed and want to kill themselves.
@girlontapas: Nothing in my college degree prepared me for having the cat supervise me while I clean out the litter box.
@DaddyBeerGuy: In case you haven't checked Facebook,
It's hot today, the fireworks were beautiful, and 32 friends invited you to play candy crush!
@ObscureGent: [Last day in prison]
*Walks up to the biggest guy*
Hey man, sorry about that first day stuff.