[to a straight couple]
Which one is the lesbian and which one is the other lesbian
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There’s a bag of Hersey’s chocolate in the kitchen.
I’ve been smothering myself with kisses.
Oh sweet, I was wondering how every corporation I’ve ever given my email to was handling COVID-19.
My wife’s favorite position is the one where I lie very still wearing nothing but a toe tag and she starts dating again.
Thought it was funny when my 2yo was walking around saying “where are my keys!?” like his dad but now he’s saying “where’s my purse?!” and he’s gone too far.
….and that’s how I ended up laying on the bedroom floor with a potato stuck in my ass.
Rival dad across the street has been getting on my nerves lately so today I’m leaving my garage doors open so his wife can see what a clean organized one looks like.
I’m going for a run. I have some severely unused sexual energy and tension I need to pound out.
I should be back in about eight days.
My dad lied a lot. I was 17 before I realized the ‘Silver Table Cat’ wasn’t a real species, and that we didn’t own a pet, we owned a toaster
There’s a mom at the school pickup with a shirt that says “I don’t always whoomp, but when I do, there it is.” I think I love her
My wife had the audacity to tell me she “Wanted a break” like she doesn’t already get 5 minutes every day. The psychopath.
Saving Private Ryan but it’s just me retrieving my daughters favourite toy that she’s dropped down the toilet
Just had a 10 minute argument about the importance wearing pants in public with a 5yo
She won, today I wear pants when I take her to school
Jesus: and when there was but 1 set of footprints, there I carried u
Me: (checks fitbit) ok, phew, it counted the steps, I still got credit
Having a toddler is like harboring a bipolar, schizophrenic, incontinent, adorable, tiny dictator.
Dear Abby,
I never thought this would happen to me. Today I met a sexy woman who told me I write letters to the wrong publication.
My boss: you seem distracted today…
Me: sure, I’ll get that for you asap.
the stickiest of King Arthur’s knights was Sir Up
Imagine you get murdered and some girl skips your episode of forensic files because it’s boring.
What I learned: the neighbors’ dog is not the neighbors’ dog
Why it’s important: the number of times I’ve put the dog back in their yard
*Dial-up modem gets on stage at a whale rap battle*
“BEEEEEWoooooo BLEEeeeeee BING bing ping”
*drops mic**stunned whale crowd loses it*
As an adult you should already know shit like if you’re standing in the rain you should wear a rain coat and if you’re standing in a trench, you should wear a trench coat
a centaur has six limbs, a lower abdomen (horse torso), and an upper thorax (human torso), categorically making it a bug
[dragging a corpse to the shed]
NEIGHBOR: putting away the halloween decorations?
ME: decorations?
I can’t go on anymore dates so if you all could just decide amongst yourselves who’s stuck with me that would be great
I’ll be the one at the office Christmas party, waiting patiently near the exit, so I can be the second person to leave.
“[I] broke up with him because I was sick of justifying his trench coat to my friends” – Overheard on the bus
At a wedding where the minister told everyone to stand next to the person who makes life worth living. The bartender was almost trampled.
I’m in a doctor’s office waiting room and there’s a People magazine on the table. I can’t believe Brad Pitt and Jennifer Aniston are getting a divorce.
COMMENCE ANNIHILATI… Sorry, wrong notes, that’s tomorrow’s speech. Here’s the right one: You have nothing to fear from Project Omega …
♫ Why do birds suddenly appear, every time you are near? Just like me, they long to be… ♫
Wait, hang on…my bad, those are vultures.