@figgled: [to a straight couple]
Which one is the lesbian and which one is the other lesbian
@sophienuuttall: *goes through crush's phone when he dies*
*gets out ouija board*
"who is Emma"
@ValeeGrrl: [House Hunters episode]
HUSBAND: I'm a freelance hamster trainer
WIFE: And I tune harmonicas part-time
HUSBAND: Our budget is $950K
@ArtIsMyPorn: The vet said he can't prescribe my imaginary horse anymore ketamine.
@crylenol: *Cop Dog radios in*
We've got an armed robbery in progress
"What's that boy?"
An armed robbery on 5th
"Timmy's stuck in a well??"
@Jenny4ashley: Try explaining to your kid why you're taking a bath with a cucumber then come talk to me about your problems.