[to a straight couple]
Which one is the lesbian and which one is the other lesbian
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“To each their own”
Translation ~ one of us is right, and well… the other one is you.
DTF (Down time finally)
-mom’s everywhere
Think you know guilt?
*takes long drag on cigarette*
I’m the wildebeest who killed Mufasa.
*exhales*
I hear Simba’s screams every night.
I asked Alexa to play the Encanto soundtrack and I swear I heard her sigh
Want to lose weight for the Summer? Don’t worry, simply check-in your bags here. That’s 23 kilos you’ll never see again.
They say dress for the job you want not the job you have so I’m wearing no pants. Boss seems angry tho. She must know I’m looking elsewhere.
the first episode of house of the dragon focusses on the dragon applying for a mortgage
I’m naming all my children after Instagram filters. Hudson, Walden, Valencia, Kelvin, Brannan, Willow, and the twins, Toaster and 1977.
Sometimes I treat my depression, but other times we go dutch.
If the government keeps doing nothing for much longer, it will get its own reality show on E!
Earlier today every man and his brother were talking to me at Home Depot and at first I thought maybe I was ovulating? Then I looked in the mirror and realized what was different. I brushed my hair this morning.
If I had a dog I’d say “I have a bone to pick with you!” and then we’d go to PetSmart to pick a bone and we’d laugh & laugh & can dogs laugh
You are the toothpaste to my orange juice.
I don’t wanna last longer in bed, I got post coital jokes.
Leftist: Abolish prison
Me (realising that would make a Con Air sequel impossible): Hold on a minute
Think before you yell at your kids. They are the ones who might have to bring you toilet paper in 20 minutes
Me: I’d like a raspberry margarita.
Waitress: Do you want sugar on your rim?
Me:
Waitress:
Me: [looking nervously at my wife]
Wife: OMG SHE IS TALKING ABOUT THE DRINK
When kids say they’re bored…
new parent: let’s go outside
seasoned parent: go clean something
[Phone with Mom]
“Did you just friend request me?”
I’m on fb now
“I’m not adding you”
Fine do your own laundry then
*accepts friend request*
“Jesus take the wheel” -an Asian man telling the police that a Mexican guy stole his rims off his Honda Civic.
ZOMBIE: braaains
LION ZOMBIE: maaanes
KINKY ZOMBIE: caaanes
TARZAN ZOMBIE: jaaanes
PLUMBER ZOMBIE: draaains
DRIVING ZOMBIE: laaanes
TRAVELLING ZOMBIE: traaains
WALL STREET ZOMBIE: gaaains
Early Bird: *gets worm*
Late Bird: *snacking on Doritos*
Early Bird: SONOFA
McDonalds CEO: your job is to entertain the children. what is your job?
Ronald McDonald: e-eat them?
McDonalds CEO: goddammit. shock him again
It cannot be a coincidence that I am in the market for a stable girlfriend on the exact same day that Britney becomes single.
My refrigerator died. In lieu of flowers, a new fridge would be nice.
People look at you funny when you put things in their cart at the store.
Me: Is there any particular way you don’t want your name pronounced?
Percy: Not per se
I unfollowed a guy in the Navy; too many sub tweets.
Me: we’re having toad in the hole for breakfast
Pet toad: WHAT