To all newly married guys…..
If you screw up Valentine’s Day, you’ll be celebrating Palm Sunday for a long time.
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Social distancing in Australia:
There are two versions of every story and the drunk one is usually the better one
In 5th grade the boy I had a crush on called me on the phone and told me he loved me…then screamed April Foooools and hung up.
It took me 34 years but jokes on you, Chris. I don’t even like you that much anymore.
Had to Google, “Nice way to say selfish” for a recommendation today.
Whenever someone says, “Good question” I never hear their answer because I’m too busy congratulating myself for asking such a good question.
If you pitch a non-superhero, non-remake, non-sequel film in Hollywood they send your family to a work camp.
advice: describing someone’s cupcakes as being “better than sex” is only a compliment if you aren’t sleeping with them
If you run through an airport yelling “Marybeth I love you don’t go!” then you can cut through so many lines of people who like romance.
ME AT A PARTY: oh we’ve met? i’m sorry i’m bad with faces
ME WATCHING A MOVIE: ok that guy in the background is character actor james rebhorn who was in meet the parents, independence day, the talented mr ri
the saddest jazz hands ever
“i miss shittin on people”
[performance review]
boss: what would you say is your biggest strength
me: i’m consistent
boss: but you’re late every morning
me: ya
Big fight with the husband, apparently there is a correct way to roll up a garden hose.
I like how Angelina waited to divorce Brad Pitt until Jen got married. Well played Maleficent…well played…
There are two types of children: those that get up in the middle of the night, and those who get up way too early. And they’re siblings.
I don’t know much about friends with benefits but i’m always carrying a snack or two if that counts
The entire world is the kid in the back seat asking are we there yet. Politicians are the parent saying “soooo close” and scientists are the honest parent.
*sends you a 13-page love letter & introduces you to my parents in order to scare your hiccups away*
*you’re cured*
People who say “in and of itself” are responsible for most of the trouble in the world.
[talking to a date]
“I hate rushing into relationships.”
[talking to a new friend]
“I’m tired of dating. Run away with me & we’ll get married in Vegas. We can start a raccoon farm outside of town & grow old together. No one can stop us.”
Adulthood is almost as fun as a piñata full of wasps
1. Stand in sauna
2. Add 30,000 strangers
3. Take 2 steps every 30 seconds
4. Repeat for 12 hoursCongratulations! How was Disneyworld?
I use a wheelchair. When someone asks the person I’m with “What’s her name?” I tell the person I’m with to say “Your guess is as good as mine.”
Me: you want french toast for breakfast?
Toddler: yes.
Me: manners?
Toddler: no thank you.
when a bird is walking around on its little bird legs. it’s mocking you. it’s saying this is you. this is what you look like.
My laptop has a Miley Virus. It’s stopped twerking.
Look for the opportunities in life. Like when nobody’s looking and you can finally address that wedgie.
It wasn’t no corona till y’all started balancing brooms in the house, y’all let the devil in
The sole purpose of a potato masher is to prevent you from opening a drawer.
Sorry I haven’t been able to get back to you, I’ve been pretty busy chasing this cherry tomato around my plate with a fork. Almost. Got. It.