To all of you Single Guys here on Twitter…
Don’t forget to buy your Wife something on Valentine’s Day.
You Might Also Like
My mother is the strongest woman I know.
You should see how far she could throw a shoe.
i married for love
but the obvious side benefit of having someone around to find my glasses cannot be ignored
While we’re on the subject….
*throws your homemade scone out the window and breaks a windshield*
They built different out in Florida man. Hitting a Gator with a cast iron skillet is nuts 🤣
‘I want to see other families.’
~Me, saying grace at Thanksgiving
Is it still an alien abduction if I packed a suitcase?
When I was a kid another kid brought his turtle to school.
One kid asked, “does he bite?”
“Heck no,” said turtle kid pressing his index finger against the turtles beak. Then there was blood and screaming.
So we learned other children are a terrible source of information.
Parents who are afraid that giving teenagers condoms will just ensure they have sex to use them have obviously never owned a bread maker.
I’d be fine with a ghost in the house if the object it moved around was the vacuum.
[cruising down highway in friend’s car with windows down]
me: [opens bag of glitter]
microdosing lsd to gain a creative advantage at my job as a subway sandwich artist
“Hey, Mr Tambourine Man, play a song for me.”
*shakes tambourine*
“Got any others?”
*shakes tambourine*
“Sounds a lot like the last one”
[after a fight]
Enjoy your peanuts and raisins, I whisper, eating all the M&Ms from the trail mix.
Them: if you want to lose weight then make sure that you drink plenty of water
Me: so that I spend my whole day peeing and missing out on tasty food?
I’m tempted to start throwing glitter at people who refuse to wear masks. So sorry it got in your mouth and up your nose, I bet a mask would have prevented that.
I may not be the brightest crayon in the tool shed but at least I’m great at analogies.
Me, December 2016: I’m going to buy this juicer and lose some weight in January
Me, January 2017: I have eaten the juicer
[invention of baseball]
Guy: I’ll throw the ball
Me: and I catch it
Guy: no hit it with a stick
Me: then what?
Guy: someone else will try to catch it
Me: what if I miss?
Guy: someone else will try to catch it
Me: you could just say you don’t want to play catch with me dad
79.
Karl’s toupee isn’t fooling any one
Lemon is supposedly a good diuretic. I ate a quart of lemon pudding and nothing is happening.
He: “Darling, may I have potato pasta for dinner, please?”
She: “Gnocchi dokey.”
#PotatoDay #RubbishJokes
Where do surfers learn to surf?
At boarding school.
Me: *delicately inserting plastic tassels to the ends of my handlebars*
Motorcycle Instructor, shaking his head: only if you brought enough for the whole class
Genie: for your first wish?
Me: I wish my kid would listen to me.
Genie: done, and for your second?
Me: you can go I’m good.
If you really want me to pay attention to you, you’d mention sandwiches
Friend: how do u maintain your boyish glow
Me: [trying to keep down a mouthful of lightning bugs] I wish I could tell u
How to be a politician 101:
Answer all yes/no questions with the words “Well, look” and then answer a completely different question.
Darth Vader- Dark Lord
Ranger- park lord
Neighbor’s dog- bark lord
Marty Byrde- Ozark lord
Noah- ark lord
Twitter celebrity- checkmark lord
DEA chief- narc lord
Brandon- Stark lord
Sarah Silverman- snark lord
Mikhail Gorbachev- birthmark lord