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British people never go down stairs they just jump out of a window and open an umbrella like Mary Poppins
If you’re going to walk a mile in my shoes, take my fitbit with you.
I’m saving myself for marriage.
Sorry, FROM. Saving myself FROM marriage.
[At home school reunion]
“And Sasha bought a new cat, her name is Mittens.”
“Mom I know, you told me yesterday.”
I, too, enjoy McDonald’s sausage biscuits. We will dialogue further, you and I.
Me: Hope it’s ok if I sleep in the nude
Guy next to me on the plane: WTF dude?
What if aliens watch our movies about aliens and then invade accordingly in hopes of fitting in with our culture?
I only spent $9,842 on bras and panties at the Victoria’s Secret Semi-Annual Sale. Nothing like saving money.
A group of arsonists is called a firing squad.
if you have over 100 followers there is a secret group of people who meet once a week to throw darts at a picture of your face
Christmas Warning:
Every guy dressed in red that asks you what you want while you sit on his lap, is not Santa.
The courtroom I’m in this morning is astonishingly relaxed, and the judge looks like a kid cosplaying as a judge. Doogie Howser, J.D.
If your Facebook picture is a photo of a sunset or something inanimate, I’ll assume you have a dissociative identity disorder.
When you pick a name for your kid, type it in Microsoft Word first. If the red squiggly line shows up, please reconsider.
*planning family vacation*
Me: So what about camping?
Them: We love camping!
Me: Great! I’ll drop you off on my way to the spa.
children are a fun way to combine the impetuous insanity of a dog with the murderous disdain of a cat
I’ve already lost 72 ponytail holders this weekend
Man sheep: thanks for coming out tonight.
Lady sheep: *blushing* thanks for asking me.
Man sheep: *opening door* you’re going to love this place. It’s All Ewe Can Eat.
13: Dad, do you believe in miracles?
Me: Do you remember spray painting my car?
13: yeah
M: Are you breathing?
13: yeah
M: Well, there ya go
A teenage girl trying to find the right t-shirt, is far more decisive than me in front of 10 different sandwiches
If by “new money” you mean it hasn’t been printed yet, yes, that’s me.
batman: i caught the penguin
judge: bail is set for $0
batman: isn’t he a flight risk?
judge:
batman: oh right
*grabs myself by the collar of my shirt and pushes myself against the wall* tell me where the remote is
Hell hath no fury like a woman who doesn’t remember asking you to wake her up from a nap
[Busy ER]
Patient: So what happens after this?
Me: [stares into distance] Some think heaven. Some think nothing happens. Possibly even limbo until some higher power decides your fate
Patient: So…I meant what happens now you’ve requested an inpatient bed for me?
Me: Oh. Same.
Not to brag but I can trip over things that aren’t even there!
I’ve had a lot more interest from women since I’ve been forced to wear a mask and I don’t know how to feel about that.