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If there’s karaoke or no karaoke I’m not going
I’m so hungry I could Instagram a horse.
I bet to vampires we all just look like giant Capri Suns.
The first rule of denial club is I can stop anytime I want.
GF: “You’re cute when you’re drunk”
Me: “You’re cute when I’m drunk too”
Everyone likes the guy who won’t tolerate bullshit until it’s your bullshit.
me: oooh is that a bowl of jelly beans on the table?
therapist: yes help yourself
me: [mouth already full of jelly beans] if I could do that I wouldn’t be here
Still trying to figure out the whole speed/tilt ratio for drinking out of a cup.
[Giving my eulogy]
GIRLFRIEND: He was beloved for his many funny tweets, such as,
*Scrolling**Scrolling*
*Scrolling*
*Very slight chuckle*
*Scrolling*
Okay I actually don’t see any I like but he talked about it a lot, so I assume he was good.
spin the bottle, except you have to murder the person it lands on
her: this is a baby shower
“Why KFC calling you at 1:36am?
[superhero meeting]
“What’s your enemy called?”
“Dr Doom. Yours?”
“Joker”
[stifles laughter]
“I HAVE OTHERS”
“Ye-”
“Penguin”
[just loses it]
My family went camping & left me home alone, like I’d be missing out.
Oh please, don’t leave me home with electricity & running water.
I want to be gangsta but my grandma said no
Pro tip: Make sure your email to the HR lady doesn’t say she seems too busty to handle your issues
There’s absolutely no way Lady Gaga was born with half an Office Depot hot-glued to her head.
told someone “my scrubs are made from cotton but i’m made of boyfriend material” then they blocked me immediately
I hate when I drop my pen on the floor and it’s slightly out of reach so I leave it there forever.
My wife: How does a summer road trip with the kids sound?
Me: Sounds like we had a good run.
I like to take an empty Krispy Kreme donut box to work and sit in the break room and watch all of the disappointed faces
I’m always tonguing my cyanide tooth in case someone wants to tell me about their journey.
Cutting your own hair is a great thing to do in lockdown, because it can be fun and creative, it saves you money, and it ensures you definitely won’t want to leave the house for several weeks.
If someone ever asks you to show up naked underneath a trench coat at their hotel…make sure you get the room number right.
the banana is probably the most versatile fruit – can’t think of another fruit that can also be used as a gun, boomerang, or phone
Turns out adding glitter to your urine sample doesn’t add sparkle to the lab techs lives. It does, however, get you yelled at by your doctor.
Whenever I have a panic attack, I put a paper bag over my mouth & once I’m done drinking the alcohol inside I feel a lot better.
Me: you’ll be in school until 2035
My Kid: *confidently* that’s not a real number
Me: maybe even longer
Hello, Gotham Child Services. Oh dear. Both dead? My my. Well, does the child have a Butler that can raise him? Cos it’s a lot of paperwork.
I hate when you meet a new person and you like them, I mean I’m maxed out with 3 friends right now and having a 4th just seems like it’ll eat into nap time
Murderer: What are you in for?
Her: Licking ice cream.
Murderer: That had better be a euphemism.