My New Year’s resolutions:
1. Stop making lists.
B. Be more consistent.
7. Learn to count.
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I’m not an alcoholic. I only go to the liquor store every day because they ask to see my ID & therefore must think I look young & pretty.
That pile of clothes on my bed, seems to have strange powers and gets higher on its own
Cats spend two thirds of their lives sleeping, and the other third making viral videos.
I just heard a lady sitting at the table next to me say, “My burger is confusing.”
That’s it. I’m done with people.
(Me on trampoline outside your bedroom window)
WhyDid
You
Unfollow
Me?
the three stages of a woman’s life:
– the chosen one
– the mother
– solving crimes in the village
[planning bank heist]
leader: we need a fall guy
me: [walks in wearing a flannel and carrying a pumpkin spiced latte]
leader: he’s perfect
*repeatedly tries to explain Sisyphus to classmates who have apparently never heard of him*
I wish you guys could get how ironic this is.
This year I’m gonna get healthy and start dating and find a husband and shit rainbows and ride a unicorn. It’s good to have goals.
Rock-a-bye-baby is my favorite nursery rhyme about the tragic consequences of putting babies in trees.
12-year-old: *holds up a poster* This is my school project.
Me: What was your objective?
12: To be done with my school project.
Nailed it.
I came across 3 snakes while mowing the yard today, but those of you in North America already know that because you heard me scream
People who use the phrase “Correct me if I’m wrong…” clearly don’t know me very well.
My goal whenever I open my car door is to have a bike rider crash into it and hope that they are escaping from a crime scene.
me: *gets down on one knee* will you help me make this tree house into a tree home?
girlfriend : *shouts from the ground* I can’t hear you, why can’t I just come up there?
me: no girls allowed
One of my friends had a baby today, and another got a puppy. I think we all know which one I’m going to visit.
SNAKE: im gonna bite you
SNAKE CHARMER: u are so sexy
S: wha-
SC: *presses finger to lips* still wana bite me?
S: *blushes* well not anymore
May rob a bank just to get a few short, sweet years away from the kids.
Neighbor: can you watch my dog?
Me: like through your window?
N: no, I meant like-
Me: cause I don’t do that now
N: watc-
Me: okay once
“This has got to be the most boring reality show concept of all ti… wait, did they say TORNADO?”
– Me, totally not getting The Weather Channel
Developer: We have a problem.
Manager: Remember, there are no such things as problems, only opportunities.
Developer: Well then, we have a DDoS opportunity.
Son: *placing Dunkin Donuts order* So you want a latté?
Me: Nah I just want a little.
Son: …goddammit Mom…
The best thing I ever did was install a fake doorbell.
Now no one ever knocks on my door.
carolers: *knock on door*
(Simon Cowell answers the door)
carolers: *gulp*
me: how much for the dog bouquet
girl walking dogs: what
After having received my free sample of winter, I would like to cancel my subscription please
Blonde in laundromat asks to have
a sweater cleaned.Attendant : “Come again ?”
( not hearing )Blonde: “Nope, Just mustard this time”
I am at the mall at 6:30 pm on a Monday in July. I have seen so many belly buttons
My husband thought that it was funny to add his name to the bottom of my to-do list, but the joke’s on him because I’m only doing 1 chore a day in the order that I wrote them and he’s number 26.
If I were a stormtrooper, I would throw gum in Chewbacca’s fur.