@PimpBillClinton: To all the chicks on Twitter who complain about never getting laid, turn your location on.
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@therealeatwood: SANTA: I don’t need a surveillance guy. I see all! ELF ON SHELF: Seen these? [shows pics of Mommy kissing Santa Claus] S: When can u start
@_Kim_Jongun: My clothes don't fit anymore. There's only one possibly explanation. America is shrinking my clothes.
@13spencer: I'm sick and I'm going to work today; so if there's some kind of Contagion-level outbreak, I'm your patient-zero.
@lisaxy424: No one has done the dishes for like a week so I finally did the responsible thing and bought some paper plates.