@PimpBillClinton: To all the chicks on Twitter who complain about never getting laid, turn your location on.
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@Holy_Mowgli: "what qualifications do u have to work as a zookeeper?" *slides resume across desk* "I think this speaks for itself" "sir…that's a parrot"
@trentistweeting: [playing limbo at Gary's house] GARY: how low can you go? *i sleep with Gary's wife* GARY: wow, that is pretty low
@gaynorlsimpson: Therapist: what's your problem today? Me: I have this constant eye roll. Therapist: stop reading your own tweets.
@SuperShourds: My 4 year told me my tummy looks soft and squishy today, so I put her barbies on the highest shelf on the house.