To all the “cougars” out there, shame on you for not calling yourselves “Thundercats” shame. on. you.
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Me: Gouda would pair nicely with this merlot!
Priest: This is communion…
M: Oh. Gouda would taste well with the blood of Chr-
P: Leave.
[La Brea Tarpits]
ME: *gesturing for tour members* the stegosaurus was the calzone of dinosaur times
SECURITY: sir, hang on to the life hook or you’ll sink like your Segway
I honestly don’t know what my family would do without me.
I’m the only one that knows how to find the correct version of my toddler’s favorite song on YouTube.
Now THIS is a Drinking Problem.
nobody, nobody, nobody likes the guy who’s suspiciously knowledgeable about age of consent laws
Ever say hi to someone and immediately regret it because now you know you have to say hi to them forever?
An app that scans phone lines for fax machines and sends the word “why”.
The thing that’s wrong with oatmeal raisin cookies is that they’re oatmeal raisin cookies.
Sometimes you drop things into that crack next to the driver’s seat and those things just belong to the vehicle’s next owner now
My favorite part of the date is when I tell her that I want her to have my kids. And then I give them to her, all 3 of them.
[Dorothy, years after Oz, recounting her adventures to her grandchildren]
DOROTHY: *Smiles warmly* When I was your age, I murdered a woman and stole her shoes.
Just another unrealistic body expectation for women
Follow, because I write books and you imagine I will impart great wisdom to aspiring writers. Unfollow, because I mostly tweet about squirrels and the dead mouse I found in the basement that one time.
Sitting here reminiscing about the 3 times I went to the gym in 2019.
Life with a cat in one tweet
If you’re over the age of 5, and are trying to be cute by saying: sorry as: sowee – I will kick you in your pwivates.
All the people upset over same sex marriage didn’t seem to mind when Paula Abdul was openly dating a cartoon cat in the late 80s.
I’m not saying there are microchips in the vaccines but my right arm just told me it will be updating tonight between midnight and 2 a.m.
My wife: am I beautiful?
Me [hella smooth]: yeah, you look like a little cat
me: hit that tree with your fist
hitman: that’s not what i do
me: hundred bucks
hitman: no
me: will you punch a house
Psychiatrist is just a fancy word for mood critic.
One cake enters. No cake leaves.
I’m a Twitter guy who is married to a Facebook girl, so I don’t understand how people of differing religions can’t get along.
me: oh god, look what the cat dragged in
wife: is it a bird?
me: yeah
mangled superman:
deleting my dating apps because I want to meet someone the old fashioned way (by stealing my father’s armor and running away in the middle of the night to fight northern invaders with the Chinese army and compete with a handsome fellow soldier by pretending to be a man)
Why is Twitter so quiet on Sundays?
No way you’re all at church.
You know you’re on drugs when you’re talking to your kids about drugs and you don’t have any kids.
If your drinking story doesn’t involve law enforcement, I’m not listening.
Me, at the intervention: “Ah look, all the reasons I drink gathered in one place.”
Whenever I see Chris Hemsworth in a movie I just assume it’s a Thor sequel I never got around to seeing