They say it takes a village to raise a child, but they never tell me which village or how to reach them.
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*Gets on plane*
*Takes out earbuds*
*Untangles earbuds*
*Plane lands*
I drove for the first time in a long time without the music on……I don’t think cars are supposed to make the sounds I’m hearing.
me: looks like I don’t have to plant any mint, it grew back on its own
mint: yep, you don’t have to worry about me
second mint: me neither!
me: I don’t remember planting you
third mint: sup fellas how we doin
If diamonds are a girl’s best friend how come diamonds never drunkenly make out with me?
My girlfriend is so crazy she even traced down the girl who once kissed me in kindergarten.
I just took enough Vicodin to kill a medium-sized Chipmunk. RIP Roy. Roy’s the hypothetical Chipmunk. I named him. Has anyone seen my legs??
They should really replace, “I now pronounce you man and wife” with “FINISH HIM!!”
The human urge to say “Don’t worry, I’m over it” and then talk about it for the next 20 years.
See you guys when I get out of prison.
My husband just complained that he’s the only one that ever does anything around the house.
Before the invention of the hose, firefighters had to put fires out with their fists.
I’m not saying she’s worse than my mom…
But my wife doesn’t seem to like any of my girlfriends.
I caught a genie! He keeps saying “I’m not a genie. Let me go!” Whatever, Ahmed. You can go when I get my magic carpet. I know my rights.
I cheat on my taxes by sleeping with other people’s taxes.
6yo granddaughter: wonder how far this will go
Twists doll head til it snaps off
Screeches “mom!!!”
Me: you’d make a rotten serial killer
My husbands signature move is running to town “real quick” and coming home 5 hours later.
Watching my kid pick his nose is disgusting. He wipes the boogers on his shirt instead of the closest cat like a normal person.
[Catholic church]
*priest hands out “What To Expect At Your Exorcism”Husband: Babe, this isn’t counseling
Me: You said you’d try anything.
If my last name was File I’d name my kid Petey F.
I have a cut on my leg Doc
“Yeah that legs gotta go sir”
But its a tiny cut
“Sorry, I cant save it” *sharks fake doctor outfit falls off*
Obama: Who were you talking to before he came here for the meeting?
Biden: Young Metro.
Obama: Why did you call-
Biden: Shhh. I got this.
“my intrusive thoughts won” all u did was eat a donut?? that’s not an intrusive thought. if my intrusive thoughts won i’d be on the news.
Avoid getting crumbs in your bed by eating in your kid’s bed.
Found my cat’s phone, just hundreds of photos of me sleeping. Weird.
What the kids in the Etch A Sketch commercials could draw:
mountains, murals and beautiful landscapesWhat I could draw:
damaged stairs
She was murdered by the toddler. In the bathroom. With his hundredth question.
-Parent version of Clue
I enjoy the freedom of speech because if you let crazy people talk, they’ll totally tell you they’re crazy.
Anyone want to go on a date with me tomorrow? It’s a house chores date. You come over and help clean the house, gutters included, fix a few things. Car needs detailed too. Then when we’re done you can just ghost me
[first date]
HIM: Can I call you sometime?
HER: [slowly slides napkin over phone] You can’t… I lost my phone
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: I was speeding.
Cop: And why were you speeding?
Me: My daughter said that the red car was winning, sir.
Cop: Omg, sorry I intervened. *shoots out red car’s back tire*
It’s better to clear out your fridge before the leftovers grow green hair, become sentient, and attack the closest major population center.