[police interrogation]
“What do you do for a living?”
“Drug dealer.”
“Louder, for the tape.”
[leans in]
“Bug healer. I heal bugs.”
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A guy got beaten up in a local biker bar for trying to order Boone’s Farm strawberry wine.
-tweeted from my hospital bed
Due to the current economic situation, I’ve decided to start a dating site for chickens.
It’s not my full time job.
I’m just doing it to make hens meet.
Me: I don’t want to leave anything to chance
Chance: why do you hate me dad
my boss said “why is your shirt untucked” and I said “bc my pants are tucked into my shirt” and now i’m the sales manager
After a failed college project to fight hunger, Clark decided to focus on fighting crime and thereby dropping a p from Supperman.
me: [waking up in jail and seeing my cellmate is the kool-aid man] oh thank god I’m so thirsty
If you watch Intervention backwards, it’s about a person partying hard after an awful family reunion.
Website: Make a password
Me: Ok
Website: Make it STRONGER so you don’t get HACKED
Me: Wow alright
Website: Damn that’s a strong password
[1 Week Later]
Website: You got hacked
Me: But my password was so strong
Website: Yeah the whole site got hacked. Our bad
“Contactless is safer”, I tell my husband
Had to pause Willy Wonka & The Chocolate Factory to go buy a king sized Snickers. This is why i can not watch Breaking Bad.
Of course I applaud when the food timer goes off. You don’t? Weirdo.
Me: How are you doing? Is our date starting to feel a bit awkward?
Her: Yeah, a little…
Me: I was talking to my mom!
Mom: No, I’m fine.
Should I get mad at my boyfriend for not looking at the Instagram story I posted ten min ago? He’s been driving for the last hour
i think only bears should have the right to bear arms
Currently accomplishing an astonishing amount of nothing, at a blistering rate.
How the button came off my shirt.
A thread.
[I find a mysterious note in kitchen]
“LEAF 1 MILLLION UNMARKD DOG TREETS N BAKYARD BY SONDOWN OR WE RELEASH PICHURES OF U PETTIN A CAT”
Fair warning: If you’re one of those parents who allow their kids to run around in a restaurant, I’m gonna teach them cuss words.
Me: *shows up to a gala in my pajamas*
Host: That’s not what I meant by evening wear.
PMS: Hey, I’m not going to be coming around much anymore
ME: Yay!
PMS: Hold up
ME: What?
PMS: You’re on your way to going through the change
ME: Ahh, I’m finally going to become a butterfly
wild how someone lied about how they got pregnant 2000 years ago and now i have an air fryer
Tommy Lee Jones always looks like his son just told him he wants to ride unicycles professionally.
If you think one of my tweets is about you, it isn’t. Except this one.
Whenever I unsubscribe and it asks me why, I choose “other” and put “you know what you did.”
I’m just gonna give this to you…and you feel free to do whatever you like with it. Nooooo pressure…
*slides deodorant across the table*
It’s not an octopus. It’s a water spider. And yes, so called “marine biologist”, if you live in the ocean you swallow 8 of them every year.
Bit creepy of my maths teacher to put a little kiss after each answer.
I’m tired of people saying “here’s my go to lazy meal” and then they start chopping an onion
“I don’t have this many cats to sleep alone,” I yell threateningly down the hall to my cats who are all sleeping in the living room.