@mo_vitaluna: To all those out there named Christian but are atheist,
The rest of us
@Home_Halfway: Thomas Jefferson's dad's name was Thomas Jefferdad. Really makes you think
@weinerdog4life: We're out of toilet paper, also don't pet the cat.
@garrettbarry70: [Christmas shopping]
Me. "I need to get some wrapping paper, shall we split up?"
Her. "Ok but I'm keeping the house"
@ieatanddrink: If I'm on a date and can't think of anything to say I just make it look like I'm busy trying to figure out what a smell on my fingers is
@daemonic3: Had sex with a condom tonight.
Maybe next time it will be with a girl.