Funny Tweeter

Your daily dose of unadulterated funny tweets

@Jesusontwittorr: To all those telling me this account is a sin - Don't worry about it, I plan on forgiving myself later

To all those telling me this account is a sin – Don’t worry about it, I plan on forgiving myself later
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@Reverend_Scott: dog 911: what's ur emergency? dog: I JUST ATE CHOCOLATE dog 911: OMG WAS IT GOOD? dog: [whimpering] dog 911: ok ok. go eat some grass

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@tigersgoroooar: Everyone is at the store buying milk and bread to prepare for the snow. I'm buying frozen pizza. Enjoy your milk sandwiches, losers!

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@_ElvishPresley_: *reads list of assassin targets* "Eggs, milk...what the-" [CUT TO] *wife at store looking desperately for North Korean nuclear physicist*

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@KalvinMacleod: ME: There's no i in team but there is one in pizza WIFE: so you’re not going to share ME: I am not going to share

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@PhilJamesson: Computer: Login failed. Did you forget your password? Me: oh shi-- [Cut to my password waiting alone on the side of a soccer field]

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