@Reverend_Scott: dog 911: what's ur emergency?
dog: I JUST ATE CHOCOLATE
dog 911: OMG WAS IT GOOD?
dog: [whimpering]
dog 911: ok ok. go eat some grass
@tigersgoroooar: Everyone is at the store buying milk and bread to prepare for the snow. I'm buying frozen pizza. Enjoy your milk sandwiches, losers!
@_ElvishPresley_: *reads list of assassin targets*
"Eggs, milk...what the-"
[CUT TO] *wife at store looking desperately for North Korean nuclear physicist*
@KalvinMacleod: ME: There's no i in team but there is one in pizza
WIFE: so you’re not going to share
ME: I am not going to share
@PhilJamesson: Computer: Login failed. Did you forget your password?
Me: oh shi--
[Cut to my password waiting alone on the side of a soccer field]
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