To all those telling me this account is a sin – Don’t worry about it, I plan on forgiving myself later
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As your goth coworker, I will change all “Out of order” signs to “Haunted” signs. Sorry, you can’t use that printer- it’s haunted.
what are these things called my boss calls them “if you call me in here to take those off your fingers again you’re fired”
FITNESS TIP: Stretching is important. Stretch out flat on your back. Stretch your eyelids over your eyes. Stretch a blanket over your body.
Rumpelstiltskin: [shows up for a spinning class] wtf am I the only one who actually brought straw
What do you call a food fight with an unlimited amount of food?
All you can yeet.
Kids at this rave act like they’ve never seen a CPAP machine.
The existence of Tumblr implies the existence of Glss and Coffe Mg
200 Catholics, one cup. -Mass
[on Mars]
ASTRONAUT: An alien!
MISSION CONTROL: Ok, so
A: I choke slammed it
MC: What?
A: Another one!
MC: DO NOT CH
A: [choke slam noises]
A giant rabbit died on a United flight. One man is suspected of foul play. We tried to reach him for comment but he’s being vewy vewy quiet.
I wonder how many mini Reese’s cups I can fit in each cheek before my facial recognition stops working?
It’s cute how my psychiatrist pretends I’m not an international sex symbol who moonlights as a super assassin.
Idk why they make you wait on the plane for so long after you land. Like you already defied the laws of gravity and carried my physical vessel all the way to Toronto and placed me gently on the ground. That was the hard part. You just have to open the door now.
“I got a kitten and it scratches me a lot.”
-Lame
-basic
-victim mindset“I hired a tiny, freelance, in-house acupuncturist.”
-cool!
-impressive
-sounds wealthy
What’s it like to work in customer service/retail?
Imagine there’s a race of people called customers.
Now imagine you’re a huge racist.
*wife sees me grab emergency kit from trunk after getting a flat tire*
calm down brent just call a tow tru*I’m already shooting flare gun*
From now on whenever I order at a restaurant, I’m going to say “whatever is easiest for you.”
That way it seems like I’m being really nice and I don’t have to make a decision.
I eat boiled eggs, cabbage, and baked beans before the in-laws visit. They never stay long.
Define “no more Twitter or I will leave you.”
-I heard this dog was chipped.
-Microchipped sir.
-I don’t care how small the chip is, I’m not paying full price.
[getting an x-ray]
TECHNICIAN: Quit putting that box of chocolates on your chest.
ME: Just tell me which ones are coconut.
Judge: how do you plead?
Me: like this 🙏
Aquarius: This week you’re feeling crafty. How many household items can you turn into a shank?
No, I always make this wincing face when I talk to people saying awful shit. It’s not just you.
I’m pretty sure my kids see a freshly vacuumed floor as a challenge.
Practiced telling you off in the shower today. Warning, it went very well.
Why did the new psychology student eat their textbook?
Because the professor said it was a piece of cake!
😂
Nike actually called me and asked me to stop doing it.
First date
Her: So what do you do?
Him: I’m currently trying to eliminate all cancers
Her: Wow, impressive
Him: Then I’ll move on to Virgos
People who say “in and of itself” are responsible for most of the trouble in the world.