To all those telling me this account is a sin – Don’t worry about it, I plan on forgiving myself later
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I was never cast in grade school plays because I refused to do nude scenes.
[Dog Restaurant]
“Is the Book Report any good?”
Yes, Sir.
“How’s it prepared?”
A 9yo stayed up till 3am to finish it.
“Ooh, I’ll have that.”
The meat served in IKEA’s restaurant is made of people who couldn’t find the way out.
Hey Walmart, don’t be pissed at me for not scanning everything
you literally gave me zero training before promoting me to cashier.
Meanwhile in Canada…
My chakras have been itchy all day but it turns out it was just a dryer sheet.
I was practicing moves on a stripper pole, when all of a sudden I heard a loud ringing. Then 3 firemen fell from the sky and crushed me.
I bet Hell is sitting in front of every person you know while a slideshow of all of your deleted selfies is played on a loop.
I’m never asking anyone out on a date again
[Running out of gas in the desert]
Me: I guess this is the end. We’ll die of thirst soon.
Co-Worker: This is a Pepsi Truck.
Me: *gazing out over the sand dunes* 3, 4 days tops.
WIFE: We really need to think about sticking to our monthly budget
ME: *feeding my pet octopus a bag of emeralds* I agree
It’s not a coincidence that so many blues songs start with “Woke up this morning…”
Having kids is like hoping for the Little House on the Prairie but getting Lord of the Flies instead.
[to wife on phone] yes spend all our life savings on honey
W: but-
PLS JUST DO IT
*ends phonecall*
BEAR [holding gun to my head]: u did good
It has been literally hours and I’m still laughing out loud every time I think about this
[flies trespassing in my house] release the frogs.
Things you never find once lost
1. Innocence
2. Childhood
3. Chapstick
4. New Chapstick
5. Backup Chapstick
Friend: I said be selfish.
Me dressed as a clam: Oh
stopped to pee at a McDonner’s
me at 20: i’ll do anything.
me at 46: this drive thru has too tight of a turn radius.
Me: I weigh 10x more than the cat and yet she trusts me completely. So sweet.
You:
Me:
You: It’s a lot more than 10x.
Me: Don’t ruin this.
I’m tired of being told to remove my card rapidly. Starting a new ATM for people who wanna remove their card at a more chill pace
My child has started writing raps and while I love her and applaud this development I wonder if she lacks the years of life experience the form demands
[Watching the sunset over Paris]
BF: My darling *goes down on one knee*
GF: OH MY GOD!!
BF: THIS is how I proposed to my last girlfriend
Fun fact: Malcolm X was not his birth name. He was originally Malcolm Twitter.
A bad analogy is like a cucumber
I made my 4-year-old sit at the table till she finished her lunch
It took her 3 hours
She was so excited to be done
Then I served dinner.
I love how this generation broke the previous misconception that “people with tattoos can’t get good jobs” and now we all agree that “people with and without tattoos can’t get good jobs”.
The court system could save a lot of money on psychological exams by reading Facebook posts to determine if a person is crazy.
How are they committing internet crimes from the space station when I can’t get a decent signal in my kitchen.